Since this week has been so full of depressing things from the administration of the impostor in chiefs administration I decided to post some of the many jokes that I received. Most are from my better halfs father, a few from other friends, and a few from sources that would prefer not to be identified. Enjoy!
USMC F 18
In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic
Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give
the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they
will be transiting Iranian airspace.
This is a common procedure
for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder
code, type aircraft, and points of origin and
destination
I just flew with a guy who overheard this
conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying
from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass
along:
Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify
yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in
Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our
airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18
fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Radar: (no response ...
Total silence)
The
Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting
unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces
(USRSF)
These boys will be dropped off in
Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about
terrorists :
1. The season opened today.
2.. There is no
limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer,
pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for
the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The
Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
>Love him or hate him,
he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill > Gates recently gave a
speech at a High School about 11 things they did not > and will not learn in
school. He talks about how feel-good, politically > correct teachings created
a generation of kids with no concept of reality > and how this concept set
them up for failure in the real world.
>
> Rule 1: Life
is not fair - get used to it!
>
> Rule 2: The world
won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect > you to accomplish
something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
>
> Rule
3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You > won't be
a vice-president with a car phone until you earn
both.
>
> Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough,
wait till you get a boss
>
> Rule 5: Flipping burgers is
not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents > had a different word for burger
flipping: they called it opportunity.
>
> Rule 6: If you
mess up, it's not your parents ' fault, so don't whine > about your mistakes,
learn from them.
>
> Rule 7: Before you were born, your
parents weren't as boring as they are > now. They got that way from paying
your bills, cleaning your clothes and > listening to you talk about how cool
you thought you were. So, before you > save the rain forest from the
parasites of your parent's generation, try > delousing the closet in your own
room.
>
> Rule 8: Your school may have done away with
winners and losers, but life > HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished
failing grades and they'll > give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the
right answer. This doesn't > bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in
real life.
>
> Rule 9: Life is not divided into
semesters. You don't get summers off and > very few employers are interested
in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on > your own
time.
>
> Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real
life people actually have to > leave the coffee shop and go to
jobs.
>
> Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll
end up working for one.
>
> If you agree, pass it
on..
> If you can read this - Thank a teacher!
> If
you're reading this in English- Thank a
Veteran!
Can you say oops?
Conservative Libertarian Outpost 
April 24, 2009 at 07:05
sorry the president has disappointed you this week.
LikeLike
April 24, 2009 at 07:11
Continued; the paste function went haywire…
can you say oops? cont.
This
brand
spanking new Airbus 340-600, the largest
passenger airplane ever built, sits
just outside its hangar
in
Toulouse , France without a single hour of
airtime.
Enter
the Arab flight crew of Abu Dhabi Aircraft
Technologies
(ADAT)
to conduct pre-delivery tests on the ground, such
as
engine
run-ups prior to delivery to Etihad Airways in Abu Dhabi
.
The
ADAT crew taxied the A340-600 to the run-up area.
Then
they took all Four engines to takeoff power with a
virtually
empty aircraft. Not having Read the run-up
manuals,
they had no clue just how light an empty
A340-600
Really is.
The
takeoff warning horn was blaring away in the
cockpit
because
they had All 4 engines at full power.
The
aircraft computers thought they were trying to take
off,
but
it had not been configured properly (flaps/slats,
etc..)
Then
one of the ADAT crew decided to pull the circuit
breaker
on the Ground Proximity Sensor to silence the
alarm.
This
fools the aircraft into thinking it is in the air.
The
computers automatically released all the Brakes
and
set the aircraft rocketing forward.
The
ADAT crew had no idea that this is a safety
feature
so
that pilots can’t land with the brakes on.
Not
one member of the seven-man Arab crew was smart
enough
to
throttle back the engines from their max power
setting,
so
the $200 million brand-new Aircraft crashed into a
blast
barrier,
totaling it.
The
extent of injuries to the crew is unknown due to
the
news
blackout in the major media in France and
elsewhere.
Coverage
of the story was deemed insulting to Muslim Arabs.
Finally,
the photos are starting to leak out.
Airbus
$200 million aircraft meets retaining wall and the wall
wins
Dear
President Obama,
Thank
you for helping my neighbors with their mortgage payments. You
know the one’s down the street who in the good times refinanced
their house several times and bought SUV’s, ATV’s, RV’s, a
pool, a big screen, two Wave Runners and a Harley. But I was
wondering, since I am paying my mortgage and theirs, could you
arrange for me to borrow the Harley now and
then?
Richard
Ford
Queen Creek
AZ
P.S. They
also need help with their credit cards, when do you want me to start
making those
payments?
P.P.S.
I almost forgot – they didn’t file their income tax return
this year. Should I go ahead and file for them or will you be
appointing them to cabinet posts?
PECANS
IN THE CEMETERY
On
the outskirts of a small town, there was a big,
old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One
day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and
sat down by the tree, out of sight, and
began
dividing the nuts.
‘One
for you, one for me. One for you, one for me’ said
one boy.. Several dropped and rolled down toward
the fence.
Another boy came riding along
the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought
he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He
slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
‘One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
me..’
He just knew what it was.. He jumped
back on his bike and rode o ff. Just around the
bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling
along.
‘Come here quick,’ said the boy,
‘you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the
Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the
souls.’
The man said, ‘Beat it kid, can’t
you see it’s hard for me to walk.’ When the boy
insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the
cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard
, ‘One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
me.’
The
old man whispered, ‘Boy, you’ve been tellin’
me
the
truth. Let’s see if we can see the
Lord.’
Shaking with fear, they peered
through the fence, yet were still unable to see
anything. The old man and the boy gripped the
wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter
as they tried to get a glimpse of the
Lord.
At last they heard, ‘One for you, one
for me. That’s all.. Now let’s go get those nuts
by the fence and we’ll be done.’
They say
the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes
ahead of the kid on the bike.
SMILE,
God Loves
you
An
Obituary You Really Must Read, printed in the London Times –
Interesting and sadly rather true
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old
friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No
one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long
ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having
cultivated such valuable lessons as:
– Knowing when to come in
out of the rain;
– Why the early bird gets the worm;
–
Life isn’t always fair;
– and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial
policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable
strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His
health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place Reports of a
6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a
teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his
condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents
attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to
do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined
even further when schools were required to get parental consent to
administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the
churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment
than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when
you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and
the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense
finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that
a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her
lap, and was promptly awarded a huge
settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his
parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter,
Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his
4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone
Else Is To Blame
I’m A Victim
Not many attended
his funeral because so few realized he was gone If you still
remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do
nothing.
Pregnancy,
Estrogen, and Women
PREGNANCY
Q &A &;
more!
Q:
Should I have a baby after 35?
A:
No, 35 children is enough.
Q
: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A:
With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q
: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s
sex?
A:
Childbirth.
Q:
My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline
irrational.
A
: So what’s your question?
Q
:
My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A:
Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air
current.
Q:
When is the best time to get an epidural?
A:
Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q
:
Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in
labor?
A:
Not unless the word ‘alimony’ means anything to you.
Q:
Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A:
Yes, pregnancy.
Q
:
Do I have to have a baby shower?
A:
Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
Q
:
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal
again?
A:
When the kids are in college.
‘ESTROGEN
ISSUES’
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF
YOU HAVE ‘ESTROGEN ISSUES’
1. Everyone around
you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding
chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has
shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is
suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You ‘re using
your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: ‘How’s my
driving-call 1- 800-‘.
6. Everyone’s head
looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems
to have just landed here from ‘outer space.’
9. You’re sure
that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen
bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
Who will help me plant my wheat?” asked the little red
hen.
“Not I,”
said the cow.
“Not I,” said the
duck.
“Not I,” said the
pig.
“Not I,” said the
goose.
“Then I will do it by myself,”
said the little red hen, and so she did. She planted her crop, and
the wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden
grain.
“Who will help me reap my
wheat?” asked the little red hen.
“Not
I,” said the duck..
“Out of my
classification,” said the pig.
“I’d
lose my seniority,” said the cow.
“I’d
lose my unemployment compensation,” said the
goose.
“Then I will do it by myself,”
said the little red hen, and so she
did.
At last it came time to bake the
bread. “Who will help me bake the bread?” asked the little red
hen.
“That would be overtime for me,”
said the cow.
“I’d lose my welfare
benefits,” said the duck.
“I’m a
dropout and never learned how,” said the
pig.
“If I’m to be the only helper,
that’s discrimination,” said the
goose.
“Then I will do it by myself,”
said the little red hen.
She baked five
loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted
some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said,
“No, I shall eat all five
loaves.”
“Excess profits!” cried the
cow. (Nancy Pelosi)
“Capitalist leech!”
screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)
“I
demand equal rights!” yelled the goose. (Jesse
Jackson)
The pig just grunted in
disdain. (Ted Kennedy)
And they all
painted ‘Unfair!’ picket signs and marched around and around the
little red hen, shouting
obscenities.
Then the farmer (Obama)
came. He said to the little red hen, “You must not be so
greedy.”
“But I earned the bread,” said
the little red hen.
“Exactly,” said Barack the
farmer. “That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful.
Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our
modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide
the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and
idle..”
And they all lived happily ever
after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, “I am
grateful, for now I truly
understand.”
But her neighbors became
quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she
joined the ‘party’ and got her bread free. And all the Democrats
smiled. ‘Fairness’ had been
established.
Individual initiative had
died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared…so long as there
was free bread that ‘the rich’ were paying
for.
EPILOGUE
Bill
Clinton is getting $12 million for his
memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for
hers.
That’s $20 million for the
memories from two people, who for eight years repeatedly testified,
under oath, that t hey couldn’t remember
anything.
IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR
WHAT?
Some of you
will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60
years ago, witnesses claim that an
unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens
aboard, crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just
outside Roswell, New Mexico
This is a well known incident that many say
has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and
other federal agencies and
Organizations.
However, what you may
NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months
after that historic day, the following people were
born:
Albert A. Gore,
Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F.
Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard
Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne
Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara
Boxer
See what happens when
aliens breed with sheep?
I certainly
hope this bit of information clears up a lot of
things for you.
It did for
me.
No wonder they support
the bill to help illegal
aliens!
and then we have;
Subject: GOD’S SIGNATURE ON OUR
NATIONWASHINGTON
MONUMENT
A very interesting piece of
history.
LAUS
DEO Do you
know what it means?
One detail that is never mentioned is
that in Washington , D.C. there can never be a building of greater height than
the Washington Monument.
With all the uproar about removing the
Ten Commandments, etc., this is worth a moment or two of your time. I was not
aware of this amazing historical information.
On the aluminum cap, atop the Washington
Monument in Washington , D.C. , are displayed two words: Laus
Deo.
No one can see these words. In fact,
most visitors to the monument are totally unaware they are even there and for
that matter, probably couldn’t care less.
Once you know Laus Deo’s history , you
will want to share this with everyone you know. These words have been there for
many years; they are 555 feet, 5.125 inches high, perched atop the monument,
facing skyward to the Father of our nation, overlooking the 69 square miles
which comprise the District of Columbia, capital of the United States of America
.
Laus Deo! Two seemingly insignificant,
unnoticed words. Out of sight and, one might think, out of mind, but very
meaningfully placed at the highest point over what is the most powerful city in
the most successful nation in the world.
So, what do those two words, in Latin,
composed of just four syllables and only seven letters, possibly mean? Very
simply, they say ‘ Praise be to God!’
Though construction of this giant
obelisk began in 1848, when James Polk was President of the United States , it
was not until 1888 that the monument was inaugurated and opened to the public.
It took twenty-five years to finally cap the memorial with a tribute to the
Father of our nation, Laus Deo ‘Praise be to God!’
From atop this magnificent granite and
marble structure, visitors may take in the beautiful panoramic view of the city
with its division into four major segments. From that vantage point, one can
also easily see the original plan of the designer, Pierre Charles l’Enfant a
perfect cross imposed upon the landscape, with the White House to the north.
The Jefferson Memorial is to the south, the Capitol to the east and the
Lincoln Memorial to the west.
A cross you ask? Why a
cross? What about separation of church and state? Yes, a cross;
separation of church and state was not, is not, in the Constitution. So, read
on. How interesting and, no doubt, intended to carry a profound meaning for
those who bother to notice.
Praise be to God! Within the monument
itself are 898 steps and 50 landings. As one climbs the steps and pauses at the
landings the memorial stones share a message.
On the 12th Landing is a prayer offered
by the City of Baltimore ; on the 20th is a memorial presented by some Chinese
Christians; on the 24th a presentation made by Sunday School children from New
York and Philadelphia quoting Proverbs 10:7, Luke 18:16 and Proverbs 22:6.
Praise be to God!
When the cornerstone of the Washington
Monument was laid on July 4th, 1848 deposited within it were many items
including the Holy Bible presented by the Bible Society. Praise be to God! Such
was the discipline, the moral direction, and the spiritual mood given by the
founder and first President of our unique democracy ‘One Nation, Under
God.’
I am awed by Washington’s prayer for
America. Have you ever read it? Well, now is your unique
opportunity, so read on!
‘ Almighty God; We make our earnest
prayer that Thou wilt keep the United States in Thy holy protection; that Thou
wilt incline the hearts of the citizens to cultivate a spirit of subordination
and obedience to government; and entertain a brotherly affection and love for
one another and for their fellow citizens of the United States at large. And
finally that Thou wilt most graciously be pleased to dispose us all to do
justice, to love mercy, and to demean ourselves with that charity, humility, and
pacific temper of mind which were the characteristics of the Divine Author of
our blessed religion, and without a humble imitation of whose example in these
things we can never hope to be a happy nation. Grant our supplication, we
beseech Thee, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.’
Laus Deo!
When one stops to observe the
inscriptions found in public places all over our nation’s capitol, he or she
will easily find the signature of God, as it is unmistakably inscribed
everywhere you look. You may forget the width and height of ‘Laus Deo’, its
location, or the architects but no one who reads this will be able to forget its
meaning, or these words: ‘Unless the Lord builds the house its builders labor in
vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in
vain.’
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April 24, 2009 at 07:12
I’m far from alone Davis!
But what about the humor? 😀
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April 24, 2009 at 21:01
[…] And So it Begins… created an interesting post today on Humor; itâ Permalink Comments [0] […]
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May 4, 2009 at 16:35
[…] Humor; it's been a tough week after all! « Conservative … […]
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