Back in the day when training new E.M.T.’s they were often driving white knuckled and, to be blunt, terrified. Well, I developed a technique that would distract them… So to speak, from their fears. Most often resulting in them busting out laughing, lowering their stress level, and getting us to the scene intact.
Last evening my phone rang, and it was an old aquantince. One that has to deal with the same problems today that I addressed back then. So, my faithful readers. Put the fine crystal away, and sing along! Your voice certainly can’t be any worse than mine is, and was! 🙂
Jack o’ Diamonds, Jack o’ Diamonds and I know you of old
You’ve robbed my poor pockets of silver and gold
It’s a
whiskey, you villain, you’ve been my downfall
You’ve kicked me, you’ve cuffed me, but I love you for all
It’s a whiskey, rye whiskey, rye whiskey I cry
If I don’t get rye whiskey, well, I think I will die
I’ll eat when I’m hungry, I’ll drink when I’m dry
If the hard times don’t kill me, I’ll lay down and die
I’ll tune up my fiddle and I ‘ll rosin my bow
I’ll make myself welcome, wherever I go
Rye whiskey, rye whiskey, rye whiskey I cry
If a tree don’t fall on me, I’ll live till I die
Beefsteak when I’m hungry red liquor when I’m dry
Greenbacks when I’m hard up and religion when I die
They say I drink whiskey, my money’s my own
All them that don’t like me, can leave me alone
Rye whiskey, rye whiskey, rye whiskey I cry
If a tree don’t fall on me, I’ll live till I die
Sometimes I drink whiskey, sometimes I drink rum
Sometimes I drink brandy, at other times none
But if I get boozey, my whiskey’s my own
And them that don’t like me, can leave me alone
Rye whiskey, rye whiskey, rye whiskey I cry
If a tree don’t fall on me, I’ll live till I die
If the ocean was whiskey and I was a duck
I’d dive to the bottom to get one sweet suck
But the ocean ain’t whiskey and I ain’t a duck
So we’ll round up the cattle and then we’ll get drunk
Rye whiskey, rye whiskey, rye whiskey I cry
If the whiskey don’t kill me, I’ll live till I die
My foot’s in my stirrup, my bridle’s in my hand
I’m leaving sweet Lillie, the fairest in the land
Her parents don’t like me, they say I’m too poor
They say I’m unworthy to enter her door
It’s a whiskey, rye whiskey, rye whiskey I cry
If I don’t get rye whiskey, well, I think I will die
Sweet milk when I’m hungry, rye whiskey when I’m dry
If a tree don’t fall on me, I’ll live till I die
I’ll buy my own whiskey, I’ll make my own stew
If I get drunk, madam, it’s nothing to you
Rye whiskey, rye whiskey, rye whiskey I cry
If a tree don’t fall on me, I’ll live till I die
I’ll drink my own whiskey, I’ll drink my own wine
Some ten thousand bottles I’ve killed in my time
I’ve no wife to quarrel, no babies to bawl
The best way of living is no wife at all
Rye whiskey, rye whiskey, rye whiskey I cry
If a tree don’t fall on me, I’ll live till I die
Way up on Clinch Mountain I wander alone
I’m as drunk as the devil, oh, let me alone
You may boast of your knowledge an’ brag of your sense
‘Twill all be forgotten a hundred years hence
Rye whiskey, rye whiskey, you’re no friend to me
You killed my poor daddy, God damn you, try me
Then there was….
Well, I don't care if it rains or freezes,
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Through all trials and tribulations,
We will travel every nation,
With my plastic Jesus I'll go far.
{Refrain}
Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Through all trials and tribulations,
We will travel every nation,
With my plastic Jesus I'll go far.
I don't care if it rains or freezes
As long as I've got my Plastic Jesus
Glued to the dashboard of my car,
You can buy Him phosphorescent
Glows in the dark, He's Pink and Pleasant,
Take Him with you when you're travelling far
{Refrain}
I don't care if it's dark or scary
Long as I have magnetic Mary
Ridin' on the dashboard of my car
I feel I'm protected amply
I've got the whole damn Holy Family
Riding on the dashboard of my car
{Refrain}
You can buy a Sweet Madonna
Dressed in rhinestones sitting on a
Pedestal of abalone shell
Goin' ninety, I'm not wary
'Cause I've got my Virgin Mary
Guaranteeing I won't go to Hell
{Refrain}
I don't care if it bumps or jostles
Long as I got the Twelve Apostles
Bolted to the dashboard of my car
Don't I have a pious mess
Such a crowd of holiness
Strung across the dashboard of my car
{Refrain}
No, I don't care if it rains or freezes
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
But I think he'll have to go
His magnet ruins my radio
And if we have a wreck he'll leave a scar
{Refrain}
Riding through the thoroughfare
With his nose up in the air
A wreck may be ahead, but he don't mind
Trouble coming, he don't see
He just keeps his eyes on me
And any other thing that lies behind
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Though the sun shines on his back
Makes him peel, chip, and crack
A little patching keeps him up to par
When pedestrians try to cross
I let them know who's boss
I never blow my horn or give them warning
I ride all over town
Trying to run them down
And it's seldom that they live to see the morning
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
His halo fits just right
And I use it as a sight
And they'll scatter or they'll splatter near and far
When I'm in a traffic jam
He don't care if I say Damn
I can let all sorts of curses roll
Plastic Jesus doesn't hear
For he has a plastic ear
The man who invented plastic saved my soul
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Once his robe was snowy white
Now it isn't quite so bright
Stained by the smoke of my cigar
God made Christ a Holy Jew
God made Him a Christian too
Paradoxes populate my car
Joseph beams with a feigned elan
From the shaggy dash of my furlined van
Famous cuckold in the master plan
Naughty Mary, smug and smiling
Jesus dainty and beguiling
Knee-deep in the piling of my van
His message clear by night or day
My phosphorescent plastic Gay
Simpering from the dashboard of my van
When I'm goin' fornicatin
I got my ceramic Satan
Sinnin' on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
The women know I'm on the level
Thanks to the wild-eyed stoneware devil
Ridin' on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
Sneerin' from the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
Leering from the dashboard of my van
If I weave around at night
And the police think I'm tight
They'll never find my bottle, though they ask
Plastic Jesus shelters me
For His head comes off, you see
He's hollow, and I use Him for a flaskPlastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Ride with me and have a dram
Of the blood of the Lamb
Plastic Jesus is a holy bar
SOURCE
Enjoy John!
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