Jokes for today

Olaf & Sven were fishing one day when Sven
pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches,
he asked his friend Olaf for a light.
“Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,” he replied.
Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out
a huge Bic lighter, 10 inches long.
“Yiminy Cricket!” exclaimed Sven, taking the
huge Bic lighter in his hand and lighting his cigar.
“Vere dit yew git dat monster lighter??”
“Vell,” replied Olaf, “I got it from my Genie.”
“You haff a Genie??” Sven asked.
“Ya, shure. He’s right dere in my tackle kit,”
says Olaf, motioning to his beat up old tin box.
“Could I see him?” Sven asks excitedly.
So Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough,
out pops the Genie in a puff of blue smoke.
Addressing the Genie, Sven says, “Hey dere, Mr.
Genie! I’m bein’ a good friend of your master. Vill
you grant me vun vish?”
“Yes, I will,” says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks. The
Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving
Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is soon filled with
the sound of a million ducks flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million quacking ducks, a
very unhappy Sven yells over at Olaf.
“Yumpin’ Yimminy, Olaf ….I be askin’ for a million
bucks, not a million ducks!”
Olaf answers, “…..Ya sure, I forgot to tell yew dat
da Genie is bein’ hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I
be askin’ for a 10-inch BIC???”

The Tree Hugger
While walking through the Stone Mountain
State Park woods a man came upon another
man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against
the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, “Just out of curiosity,
what the heck are you doing?”
“Shh…. I’m listening to the music of the tree,”
the other man replied in a whisper.
“You gotta be kiddin’ me!!” said the first man.
“No, would you like to give it a try?” replied
the hugger of the tree.
Understandably curious about this never heard
of phenomenon, the man says, “Well, OK.”
He wrapped his arms around the large tree and
pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other
guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his
wallet, jewelry, and car keys then stripped him buck
naked and left.
Two hours later another “nature lover” strolled by,
saw this poor guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked,
and asked, “Dude!! What the hell happened to you?”
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how
he got there and how he was tricked and robbed of all
his clothes, money, and even his car!
When he finished telling his story, the other guy
shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him,
kissed him gently behind the ear, and said,
“…..This just ain’t gonna be your day, Cupcake.”

FAMOUS PUBS OF SCOTLAND, ENGLAND AND IRELAND

“Y’ know, lads” said the Scotsman, “I still prreferr the pubs back home. In Glasgow therrre’s a wonderful bonny little barrr called McTavish’s. The landlorrd there goes out of his way for the local laddies, so much so that when you buy four drrinks, aye, he’ll buy the fifth drink for you.”

“Well, jolly good”, said the Englishman, “…but at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first TWO.”

“Ahhhhh, that bein’ nothin’, me buckos”, said the Irishman. “….Back home in me own Dublin, there’s Ryan’s Bar. Now, the moment ya be settin’ set foot in the place they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks ya like!! Then, when ya be havin’ enough of the drinkin’, they’ll be takin’ ya upstairs and see that ya gets laid all good an’ proper. …And its bein’ all on the house!”

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman’s preposterous claims. But he swears every single word is true.
“Well then,” said the Englishman “….did this actually happen to YOU?”
“Not to me myself, personally, no,” said the Irishman, “… But it did happen to me own lovely 22-year old sister.”

This Car Wreck Phone Call in Texas…was played
on the air from a morning drive radio show in Texas

Turn the speakers on…..and get ready……If you
can’t listen to it now, save this until you have a time
when you can listen to it. It’s pretty danged funny
(…no, it’s hilarious!). There is no swearing or bad
language of any kind so it’s pretty safe to turn up.

A phone call from a man in Texas who witnessed a
car accident that involved 4 elderly women. It was so
popular when they played it on CHUM FM that they
had to put it on their website.


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