How to deal with Bankers and Big Government Types

This was just to good not to share. It addresses banks, but could easily be applied to Senators and such. In fact, I’m going to be sending it to all my representatives… Enjoy!

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to
A bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it
Amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with
Which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
Elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in
My account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
Deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit,
Has been in place for only eight years. You are to be
Commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
Also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
Inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs
From the manner in which this incident has caused me to
Rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your
Telephone calls and letters, — when I try to contact you,
I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
Pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with
A flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan
Repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
Automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
Personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank
Whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act
For any other person to open such an envelope. Please find
Attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen
Employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but
In order that I know as much about him or her as your bank
Knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that
All copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
And the Mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income,
Debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
Documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will
Issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must
quote in dealings with me

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits
But, again, I have modeled it on the number of button
Presses required of me to access my account balance on your
Phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest
Form of flattery

Let me level the playing field even further

When you call me, press buttons as
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password
To access my computer is required. Password will be
Communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized
Contact mentioned earlier
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to
Options 1 through 7
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The
Contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of
My automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for
English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy
Wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the Call

Regrettably, but again following your example, I
Must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up
Of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so
Slightly less prosperous New Year

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old

And remember: Don’t make old ladies mad. They
Don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to set them off

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2 Responses to “How to deal with Bankers and Big Government Types”

  1. Cole20 » Posts about Wordpress dor education as of 10 September 2009 Says:

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  2. How to deal with Bankers and Big Government Types « Conservative … Says:

    […] easily be applied to Senators and such. In fact, I’m going to be sending it to all my … Click for more Published: September 10, 2009 « Previous Post Next Post […]

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