Old Couple:
The Seniors Breakfast Special
**********************************
Even non-seniors will appreciate this!!!!
It often pays to think “outside the box”!
Recently, my wife and I went to breakfast at
a local restaurant where the “Seniors’ Special”
was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast
for $1.99.
“Sounds good,” my wife said. “…..But I don’t
want the eggs, thank you.”
“Then I’ll have to charge you two dollars and
forty-nine cents because you’re ordering the
toast, bacon, and hash browns a la carte,”
the waitress warned her.
“…..You mean I’d have to pay for NOT taking
the eggs?” my wife asked incredulously.
“Yes…” stated the waitress, “…it’s the policy.”
“O.K., I’ll take the Special then.” my wife said.
“….And how do you want your eggs?” the
waitress asked.
“Raw and in the shell,” my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
HEY!! DON’T MESS WITH US SENIORS!!!
We’ve been around the block more than once!!
A TRIP TO WALMART
You are in the middle of some kind of
project around the house.
Mowing
the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old
work clothes on. You know the outfit; shorts with the hole in crotch,
old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis
shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize
you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20’s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror
and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you
just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You
went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30’s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You
married the hot chick, so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb
your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Hey! Still got it. Add a shot of your
favorite cologne to cover the manly smell. The cute girl running the register
is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40’s:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the
hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash
your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don’t want
to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and
do more sucking in than flexing. Now the spicy young thing running the
register is your daughter’s age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50’s:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto
your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to get dirt in your new
sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that
shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the
register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
(…Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy’s bait shop
and it says, “I Got Worms”.)
In your 60’s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog
poop off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in
your 50’s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the
hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you
don’t have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70’s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your
prescriptions ready too. Don’t’ even notice the dog poop on your shoes.
The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of
her grandfather.
In your 80’s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you
remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. You go to Wal-Mart and
then aimlessly wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Bending over to tie your shoes, you pass gas out loud and you mistakenly
think it was someone calling out your name. The old lady that greeted you
at the front door went to school with you ….and was three years behind.
A senior couple pulls up to a gas station:
Attendant: How may I help you?
Old Man: Please fill it up.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted,
and I told him to fill it up.
Attendant: So, where are you heading?
Old Man: To Chicago to see our grandchildren.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked where we’re going.
I told him we’re going to see the grandkids.
Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.
Old Man: Yes, it’s been quite pleasant.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He said its good weather.
Attendant: Where are you coming from?
Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He asked where we’re from and I said
Pittsburgh.
Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once.
She wouldn’t shut up, was a nag and a lousy cook,
and was lousy in bed, too.
Old lady: What did he say?
Old Man: ….He says he knows you. |
Considering The Circumstances . . .
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat,
and is surprised to find a large purple parrot
seated in the seat next to him.
The aircraft takes off and a pretty young
flight attendant walks down the aisle past the
man and his unusual seat mate.
The man orders a Vodka Martini with ice,
and the attendant smiles and says she will be
right back. But minutes pass with no drink
coming …even after a second order from the
man.
The next trip the FA makes down the aisle,
the mans seat-mate pipes up.
“Hey, you stupid broad,” says the parrot,
“….bring me a whiskey and soda, and make
it snappy!”
The FA looks visibly annoyed, but walks
on. A minute later, she walks back up the
aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: “….You
dumb blonde lazy floozy, where’s my whiskey?
Hurry it up! ”
Visibly VERY flustered, the FA hurries up
the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot’s
drink.
Impressed with the parrot’s technique, the
man decides to try and get some quick service
for himself.
“Hey, you moronic excuse for womanhood,”
says the man, “….get me a vodka martini! And
don’t be dragging your sorry @#%$ – I want it
right now! ”
The FA says nothing, turns red with anger
and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment
she returns with the First Officer and two burly
male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the
passenger and the parrot, drag them from their
seats, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl
them both out of the airplane at 31,000 feet.
As the two are hurled out the door, the parrot
says to the man, “…You know, for someone who
can’t fly, you’re pretty danged rude!”
MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
“Hello.”
“Mrs. Ward, please.”
“Speaking.”
“Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband’s biopsy to the lab yesterday,
a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now
uncertain which one is your husband’s. Frankly the results are either
bad or terrible.”
“What do you mean?” Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s, and the
other one tested positive for AIDS. And unfortunately, we can’t tell
which is your husband’s.”
“That’s dreadful! Can’t you do the test again?” questioned Mrs. Ward.
“Normally we can, Ma;am, but your Medicare plan will only pay for
these expensive tests one time.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”
“The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. Then, if he finds his way home,
don’t sleep with him.”
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin’ the breeze.
1st Hillbilly: “My wife sure is stupid!
She done bought an air conditioner.”
2nd Hillbilly: “Why’s thet so stupid?”
1st Hillbilly: “We ain’t got no danged ‘lectricity!”
2nd Hillbilly: “Hey! Thet’s nothin’! My wife is so
dang stupid, she done bought one of
them new fangled warshin’ machines!”
1st Hillbilly: “An’ why is thet so stupid?”
2nd Hillbilly: “…Cause we ain’t got no plummin’!”
3rd Hillbilly: “Yoall….that ain’t nuthin’! My wife is
dumber than both yer wifes put together! I
was a-goin’ through her purse the other day
a-lookin’ fer some change, an’ I done found
six condoms in thar!!”
1st and 2nd Hillbillies (after thinkin’ on it some…):
“Well heck, man, what’s so dumb about that?”
3rd Hillbilly: “Dude….she ain’t got no danged pecker!”
Conservative Libertarian Outpost 