Conservative Libertarian Outpost

IRISH BLONDE

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino
and bet

twenty-thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much
luckier when I’m

completely nude”.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the
dice and

yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down
and squealed

“YES, YES, I WON, I WON!”

   She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up
her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumb founded.

Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”  The
other

answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were
watching.”

   MORAL OF THE STORY

   Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are
dumb, but all men are men.

SOURCE: Mister Christer!

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to
REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.
For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on
.

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, “Who
s on First?” might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about
buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals
, trac k expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO:! Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.
          What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.

COSTELLO: I’m going to cli ck your blue “w” if you don’t start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping?
          You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOT T: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on “START”………….
 

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. After Mr. & Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted that her husbandAlways accompany her on her frequent trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men: he found shopping boring &preferred to get in & get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women: she loved to browse One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart. Dear Mrs. Fenton,Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion inour store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both ofyou from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below andare Documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s cartswhen they weren’t looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minuteIntervals.3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’srestroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away”5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s onlayaway. 6. September 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department & told othershoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets fromthe bedding department. 8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began cryingand screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera & used it as a mirrorwhile he picked his nose. 10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked theclerk where the antidepressants were.11 December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the”Mission Impossible” theme. 12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna look” byusing different sizes of funnels.13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!” 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumeda fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!” And last, but not least… 15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!” Regards,Wal-Mart

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday,
drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a
check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping
oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid
environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with
stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles
and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands
and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $20.00
Total
$4,145.00
(But you know the job was done right!)