Conservative Libertarian Outpost

Sally was driving home from one of her business
  trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
  Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

  As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
  the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
  a ride.

  With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
  the car.

  Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
  a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
  woman just sat silently, looking intently at
  everything she saw, studying every little detail,
  until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
  Sally.

  “What in bag?” asked the old woman.

  Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s
  a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”

  The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
  two.

  Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
  she said:

  “Good trade…..”

🙂

Original Author Unknown  

 World History – As it Really Happened

   Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

   The two most important events in all history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

     Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed. 

    Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

    Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.

     Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

    Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

     Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

     Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, home interior designers, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

    Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to actually work for a living.

    Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of tryin g to get MORE for nothing.

  Here ends today’s lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

   A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers. And to more liberals just to piss them off.

I got these from a friend, enjoy!

These have been around before, but it’s been a while.

>
>
>> \The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the
>> water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things
>> used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s:
>>
>> These are interesting…
>>
>> Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath
>> in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were
>> starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the
>> body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting
>> married.
>>
>   Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the
>> house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other
>> sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all
>> the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose
>> someone in it. Hence the saying, Don’t throw the baby out with the
>> Bath water..
>>
>> Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood
>> underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm , so all
>> the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When
>> it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and
>> fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It’s raining cats and dogs.
>>
>> There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This
>> posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
>> could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a
>> sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy
>> beds came into existence.
>>
>> The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
>> Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would
>> get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on
>> floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added
>> more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start
>> slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.
>> Hence the saying a thresh hold.
>>
>> (Getting quite an education, aren’t you?)
>>
>> In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that
>> always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added
>> things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much
>> meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the
>> pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes
>> stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the
>> rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the
>> pot nine days old..
>>
>> Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
>> When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
>> It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They
>> would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around
>> and chew the fat..
>>
>> Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid
>> content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead
>> poi soning death. This happened m ost often with tomatoes, so for the
>> next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
>>
>> Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom
>> of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or
>> the upper crust.
>>
>> Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would
>> sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone
>> walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for
>> burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days
>> and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see
>> if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
>>
>> England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
>> places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and woul d take
>> the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these
>> coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the
>> inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they
>> would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
>> coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would
>> have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to
>> listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was
>> considered a ..dead ringer..
>>
>> And that’s the truth.Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/13180/HillaryCondi_HoDown.swf

>         Tips for Handling Telemarketers
>
>Three Little Words That Work !!
>
>(1)The three little words are: “Hold On, Please…”
>
>Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of
>hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more
>time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
>
>Then when you eventually hear the phone company’s “beep-beep-beep” tone,
>you know it’s time to go back and hang up your handset, which has
>efficiently completed its task.
>
>These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
>
>
>(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other
>end?
>
>This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and
>records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
>
>
>This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a “real” sales
>person to call back and get someone at home.
>
>What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to
>immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as
>quickly as possible This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it
>kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your
>name in their system any longer !!!
>
>(3) Junk Mail Help:
>When you get “ads” enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these
>”ads” with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk
>mail away.
>
>When you get those “pre-approved” letters in the mail for everything from
>credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the
>return envelope.
>
>Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right?  It costs
>them more than the regular 37 cents postage “IF” and when they receive them
>back.
>
>It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50
>cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that
>case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these
>cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.
>
>
>Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express.  Send a
>pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn’t get anything else that day, then
>just send them their blank application back!
>If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn’t on anything
>you send them.
>
>You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them
>guessing! It still costs them 37 cents.
>
>The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their
>own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let’s let
>them know what it’s like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they’re
>paying for it…Twice!
>
>Let’s help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail
>is cutting into their business profits, and that’s why they need to
>increase postage costs again. You get the idea !
>
>If enough people follow these tips, it will work —- I have been doing
>this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.
>
>THIS JUST MIGHT BE ONE E-MAIL THAT YOU WILL WANT TO FORWARD TO YOUR FRIENDS

7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human=
because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it=
was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him “.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they we=
re drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the=
drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “T=
hey will in a minute.”

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five an=
d six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she a=
sked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and=20=
sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Th=
ou shall not kill.”

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at t=
he kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of=
white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hair=
s white, Mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make m=
e cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought abou=
t this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma=
‘s hairs are white?”

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persua=
de them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it wil=
l be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she=
‘s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, sh=
e’s dead.”

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to mak=
e the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the bloo=
d, as you know, would run into it,and I would turn red in the face.”
“Yes,” the class said.
“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position th=
e blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school=20=
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made=
a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a lar=
ge pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

It doesn’t matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made=
you laugh, your friends will laugh! too.

Please do not open any emails that are supposedly from me. I got a really nasty worm/virus that has allowed someone to get my passwords. They are posting in forums etc. as me, and emailing itself to people in my address books.

I will let everyone know when it is safe again.

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