Archive for August 17th, 2007

Abbott and Costello in the computer age

August 17, 2007

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to
REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.
For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on
.


If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, “Who
s on First?” might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about
buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals
, trac k expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO:! Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.
What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.

COSTELLO: I’m going to cli ck your blue “w” if you don’t start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping?
You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOT T: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on “START”………….

Winners and losers in the game of life.

August 17, 2007

Every year I try to keep up with some of the absurd things that people do in this world that we live in. Well, this year there is something for everyone, from Texas Fred to Chris Smith, to Bear.


I’ve met some of these.
These people prove it is a terminal condition. As always, competition this year has been keen.

The candidates this year are…

Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-
inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned when he ran,” accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high
cliff on his daily run

Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a
beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their
hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment
almost an hour to free him.
Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was
caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his
skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded
with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather &Firearms
intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber
was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in
the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different
weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of
dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-
jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped
along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one
had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of
lineman’s cable lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham’s leg and the tied the other to the bridge. His
fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle.
He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham’s foot was
never located.

AND THE WINNER IS…
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfe ldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and
more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators
say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast
unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he
struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be
just one of those freak accidents that proves… “Shit happens”


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