Conservative Libertarian Outpost

Olaf & Sven were fishing one day when Sven
pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches,
he asked his friend Olaf for a light.
“Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,” he replied.
Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out
a huge Bic lighter, 10 inches long.
“Yiminy Cricket!” exclaimed Sven, taking the
huge Bic lighter in his hand and lighting his cigar.
“Vere dit yew git dat monster lighter??”
“Vell,” replied Olaf, “I got it from my Genie.”
“You haff a Genie??” Sven asked.
“Ya, shure. He’s right dere in my tackle kit,”
says Olaf, motioning to his beat up old tin box.
“Could I see him?” Sven asks excitedly.
So Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough,
out pops the Genie in a puff of blue smoke.
Addressing the Genie, Sven says, “Hey dere, Mr.
Genie! I’m bein’ a good friend of your master. Vill
you grant me vun vish?”
“Yes, I will,” says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks. The
Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving
Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is soon filled with
the sound of a million ducks flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million quacking ducks, a
very unhappy Sven yells over at Olaf.
“Yumpin’ Yimminy, Olaf ….I be askin’ for a million
bucks, not a million ducks!”
Olaf answers, “…..Ya sure, I forgot to tell yew dat
da Genie is bein’ hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I
be askin’ for a 10-inch BIC???”

The Tree Hugger
While walking through the Stone Mountain
State Park woods a man came upon another
man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against
the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, “Just out of curiosity,
what the heck are you doing?”
“Shh…. I’m listening to the music of the tree,”
the other man replied in a whisper.
“You gotta be kiddin’ me!!” said the first man.
“No, would you like to give it a try?” replied
the hugger of the tree.
Understandably curious about this never heard
of phenomenon, the man says, “Well, OK.”
He wrapped his arms around the large tree and
pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other
guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his
wallet, jewelry, and car keys then stripped him buck
naked and left.
Two hours later another “nature lover” strolled by,
saw this poor guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked,
and asked, “Dude!! What the hell happened to you?”
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how
he got there and how he was tricked and robbed of all
his clothes, money, and even his car!
When he finished telling his story, the other guy
shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him,
kissed him gently behind the ear, and said,
“…..This just ain’t gonna be your day, Cupcake.”

FAMOUS PUBS OF SCOTLAND, ENGLAND AND IRELAND

“Y’ know, lads” said the Scotsman, “I still prreferr the pubs back home. In Glasgow therrre’s a wonderful bonny little barrr called McTavish’s. The landlorrd there goes out of his way for the local laddies, so much so that when you buy four drrinks, aye, he’ll buy the fifth drink for you.”

“Well, jolly good”, said the Englishman, “…but at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first TWO.”

“Ahhhhh, that bein’ nothin’, me buckos”, said the Irishman. “….Back home in me own Dublin, there’s Ryan’s Bar. Now, the moment ya be settin’ set foot in the place they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks ya like!! Then, when ya be havin’ enough of the drinkin’, they’ll be takin’ ya upstairs and see that ya gets laid all good an’ proper. …And its bein’ all on the house!”

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman’s preposterous claims. But he swears every single word is true.
“Well then,” said the Englishman “….did this actually happen to YOU?”
“Not to me myself, personally, no,” said the Irishman, “… But it did happen to me own lovely 22-year old sister.”

This Car Wreck Phone Call in Texas…was played
on the air from a morning drive radio show in Texas

Turn the speakers on…..and get ready……If you
can’t listen to it now, save this until you have a time
when you can listen to it. It’s pretty danged funny
(…no, it’s hilarious!). There is no swearing or bad
language of any kind so it’s pretty safe to turn up.

A phone call from a man in Texas who witnessed a
car accident that involved 4 elderly women. It was so
popular when they played it on CHUM FM that they
had to put it on their website.

Murphy’s Lesser Known Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Lastly; Found on a poster in a shop just outside Leadville Colorado.
“Mister Murphy was a F**king optimist!” Printed some time in the 1850’s, the shop owner refused to sell it!

Oh Lord, it’s hard to be humble … When your ancestors came from the emerald isle. As well as a few other good laughs! Hat tip to

AntiqueGuns.com

Enjoy…

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS . .

— Mae West
 

Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar,  where Mick bragged to
Sean, “You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of
course, me mother and me sister.”
   “Well then,” Sean replied, “between you and me we got ’em all.”
>>>>> > >
>>>>——————————————————————–

Pat & Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill.   Just before
the morning break, Pat yelled “Mick, I’ve lost me finger!”
   “Have you now, “said Mick.  “And how did you do it?”
   Pat replied “I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here
like this … damn!  ……There goes another one!”
>>>>> > >
>>>>———————————————————————

   Mahoney said to his friend McMaken, “I haven’t been feelin’
me-self lately!”
   “Tis a good thing, too — that was a nasty habit you had!”
responded McMaken.
>>>>> > >
>>>>———————————————————————

   An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home
from the city one night and, of course, his car is
weaving violently all over the road.
  A cop pulls him over.  “So,” says the cop to the driver,
“Where have you been?”
   “Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.
  “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to
drink this evening.”
   “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
   “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his
arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell
out of your car?”
  “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I
thought I’d gone deaf.”
>>>>> > >
>>>>———————————————————————

   Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door.  “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks.
“I’ve somethin’ that I must be tellin’ ya.”
   “Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. 
But where’s me darlin’ husband?”
   “That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda.   There was an
accident down at the Guiness brewery…”
   “Oh, mercy no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t be tellin’ me…”
  “I must, Brenda.  Your husband Shamus is dead and gone.
 I’m very sorry for ye loss.”
 Finally, she looked up at Tim.  “How did it happen, Tim?”
  “It was terrible, Brenda.  He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and
drowned.”
   “Oh my poor dear Shamus!  But you must tell me true, Tim. 
Did he at least go quickly?”
…..”Well, no Brenda … no. He did not”
  “No?” the wife gulped.
 “Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”
>>>>> > >  ————————————————–

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news.  My husband passed
away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible.  Tell me, Mary, did
he have any last requests?”
She says, “Aye, That he did, Father…
“The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”
She says, “He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down that damn gun…!!!

>A Marriage Made In Heaven
>
>
>On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a
>fatal car accident.  The couple found themselves sitting outside
>Heaven’s Gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake.  While waiting, they
>wondered if they could possibly go ahead and get married in Heaven.
>
>St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him.  St. Peter said, “I
>don’t know, this is the first time anyone has asked.  Let me go find
>out.” …and he left.
>
>The couple sat and waited for an answer…for a couple of months…and
>they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what
>with the eternal aspect of it all.  “What if it doesn’t work?” they
>wondered, “Are we stuck together forever?”
>
>St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.
>
>”Yes,” he informed the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.”
>
>”Great,” said the couple, “but what if things don’t work out?  Could we
>also get a divorce in Heaven?”
>
>St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.  “What’s
>wrong?”, asked the frightened couple.

 “COME ON!” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months
just to find a priest up here!  Do you have any idea how
long it will take me to find a LAWYER?”

>This is from a retired judge and a friend of ours on
>the Calif. Surpreme Court.

>
> A defense attorney was cross-examining a police
>officer during a felony trial – it went like this:
>> >
>> > Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the
>scene?
>> > A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person
matching the description of the offender running
several blocks away.
>> >
>> > Q. Officer, who provided this description?
>> > A. The officer who responded to the scene.
>> >
>> > Q. A fellow officer provided the description of
>this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow
>officers?
>> > A. Yes sir, with my life.
>> >
>> > Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then
>officer – do you have a locker room in the police
station – a room where you change your clothes
in preparation for your daily
duties?
>> > A. Yes sir, we do.
>> >
>> > Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
>> > A. Yes sir, I do.
>> >
>> > Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
>> > A. Yes sir.
>> >
>> > Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your
fellow officers with your life, that you find it
necessary to lock your locker in a room
you share with those same officers?
>>>>
>> > A. You see sir, we share the building
with a court complex, and sometimes
lawyers have been known to walk through
that locker room.
>> >
>>  With that, the courtroom erupted in
laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated
for this year’s “Best come-back” line and we think
he’ll win. …or should!