Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

THE COUNTRY of TEXISIANSAS

August 27, 2009

Received in an email from a good friend, I couldn’t be sure if this was based in humor or a real assessment. I’m betting that my good friend and fellow blogger TexasFred will enjoy this, at least to a point.

Much of what follows can also be said of the Inter-mountain West States, with a notable exception. We, who are collectively referred to as “fly over” country by the elitist’ in government have virtually all of the uranium. Both as raw material, and in finished weaponry that can reach anywhere in the world with the push of a button.

Should secession become a reality it would behoove the Marxist’s on both coasts to remember that simple fact, as well as the fact that Texas would not be standing alone…

Note: edited for clarity

THE COUNTRY of TEXISIANSAS

In case things get a little tough during the next few months we IN LOUISIANA, TEXAS , OKLAHOMA , & ; ARKANSAS have a plan.

Maybe you don’t know it, but LOUISIANA , TEXAS , OKLAHOMA , & ARKANSAS HAVE legal right to secede from the Union . (Reference the Texas/LOUISIANA-American Annexation Treaty of 1848.)

US TEXISIANSAS love y’all Americans, but we’ll probably have to take action since Barack Obama won the election and is now the President of the U.S.A. We’ll miss ya’ll though.

Here is what can happen:

1. Barack Hussein Obama, after becoming the President of the United States , begins to try and create a socialist country, then Texas , LOUISIANA , ARKANSAS , & OKALAHOMA announces that it is going to secede from the Union .

2. George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic of TEXISIANSAS . You might think that he doesn’t talk too pretty, but we haven’t had another terrorist attack and the economy was fine until the effects of the Democrats lowering the qualifications for home loans came to roost.

So what does TEXISIANSAS have to do to survive as a Republic?

1. NASA is just south of Houston , Texas . We will control the sp ace industry.

2. We refine over 90% of the gasoline in the United States .

3. Defense Industry–we have over 65% of it. The term “Don’t mess with THE SOUTH,” will take on a whole new meaning.

4. Oil – we can supply all the oil that the Republic of TEXISIANSAS will need for the next 300 years. What will the other states do? Gee, we don’t know. Why not ask Obama?

5. Natural Gas – again, we have all we need and it’s too bad about those Northern States. John Kerry and Al Gore will just have to figure out a way to keep them warm…

6. Computer Industry – we lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications equipment – small companies like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Misconduct, Dallas Semiconductor, Nortel, Alcatel, etc. The list goes on and on.

7. Medical Care – We have the research centers for cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, as well as other large health centers.

8. We have enough colleges to keep educating and making smarter citizens: University of Texas , Texas A&M, Texas Tech, UNIVERSITY OF OKLAHOMA , OKLAHOMA STATE UNIVERSITY, UL-LAFAYETTE, UL-MONORE, UNIVERSITY OF ARKANSAS , LOUISIANA STATE UNIVERSITY , ARKANSAS STATE UNIVERSITY .

9. We have an intelligent and energetic work force and it isn’t restricted by a bunch of unions. Here in TEXISIANSAS, we are a Right to Work State and, therefore, it’s every man and woman for themselves. We just go out and get the job done.. And if we don’t like the way one company operates, we get a job somewhere else.

10. We have essential control of the paper, plastics, and insurance industries, etc.

11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the TEXISIANSAS National Guard, the TEXISIANSAS Air National Guard, and several military bases. We don’t have an Army, but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an Army in 24 hours if we need one. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call the Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over the Texas Rangers.

12. We are totally self-sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs, and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables, and let’s not forget seafood from the Gulf. Also, everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. We don’t need any food.

13. FIVE of the ten largest cities in the United States , and THIRTY TWO of the 100 largest cities in the United States are located in TEXISIANSAS.  And TEXISIANSAS also has more land than California , New York , New Jersey , Connecticut , Delaware , Hawaii , Massachusetts ,  Maryland , Rhode Island , and Vermont combined.

14. Trade: FIVE of the ten largest ports in the United States are located in TEXISIANSAS

15. We also manufacture cars down here, but we don’t need to. You see, nothing rusts in TEXISIANSAS so our vehicles stay beautiful and run well for decades.

This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of TEXISIANSAS in good shape. There isn’t a thing out there that we need and don’t have.

Now to the rest of you folks in the United States under President Obama:

Since you won’t have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Obama will be able to drive around in his big 9 mpg SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.

You won’t have any TV as the Space Center in Houston will cut off satellite communications.

You won’t have any natural gas to heat your homes, but since Mr. Obama has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas as long as you survive the 2000 years it will take to get enough heat from Global Warming.

In other words, the rest of ya’ll in the USA are screwed!

Signed, The People of TEXISIANSAS

P.S. This is not a threatening letter – just a note to give you something to think about!

Sleep well tonight ’cause the eyes of TEXISIANSAS are on YOU!!

Humor in Politics

August 25, 2009

If we can’t laugh at ourselves from time to time then it’s time to back up and review just what we are all about. I’m no Psychologist, not by a long shot but I also don’t think that you have to be one in order to understand that concept any more than you have to be a Lawyer to understand the difference between right and wrong.

Hat tip to the Pesky one for this!

A Cowboys Guide To Living

July 31, 2009

Time for a little old west style humor. Enjoy!

Subject: ** A Cowboys Guide To Living ** 

Music:  
"Don't Fence Me In"

***** A Cowboy's 
Guide to Life *****

*** 
Life's tough......It's even tougher if you're stupid. --- John Wayne 

*** Don't interfere with something 
that ain't botherin' you none. 

*** 
The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the 
harder it is to swaller. 

*** 
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. 

*** If it don't seem like it's worth 
the effort, it probably ain't. 

*** 
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you 
shave his face in the mirror every morning. 

*** 
Never ask a barber if you need a haircut. 

*** 
Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance. 

*** 
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong. 

*** Life is simpler when you plow 
around the stump. 

*** A bumble bee is considerably 
faster than a John Deere tractor. 

*** 
Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. 

*** Meanness don't jes' happen overnight. 

*** 
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. 

*** It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. 

*** You cannot unsay a cruel word. 

*** Every path has a few puddles. 

*** When you wallow with pigs, expect 
to get dirty. 

*** The best sermons are lived, not 
preached. 

*** Most of the stuff people worry 
about ain't never gonna happen, anyway. 

*** 
Don't judge folks by their relatives. 

*** 
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. 

*** 
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll 
enjoy it a second time. 

*** 
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 

*** Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. 

*** If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try 
orderin' somebody else's dog around. 

*** 
Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole 
lot bigger'n you think. 

*** 
Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'. 

*** If you're ridin' ahead of the 
herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya. 

*** Good judgement comes from 
experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgement. 

*** Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it 
back. 

*** The quickest way to double your 
money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket. 

*** 
Don't squat with your spurs on. 

*** 
Always drink upstream from the herd. 

*** 
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works. 

*** There's three kinds of men: the 
one that learns by reading. 
The few who learn by observation 

and the rest of them have to tinkle on 
the electric fence for themselves. 

*** 
Never kick a cowchip on a hot day. 

*** 
Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco. 

*** 
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised 
if they learn their lesson. 

*** 
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by 
somebody else. 

*** After eating an entire bull, a 
mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. - 
A hunter came along and shot him. The 
moral: 
When you're full of bull, keep your 
mouth shut. 

Live simply 
....
Love generously 
....
 Care deeply 
....
 Speak kindly. 

Leave the rest to God. 

 

Humorous History

June 7, 2009

The 1500’s; Got this from my better half’s father,

 The next time you are 
      washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just 
      how you like it, think about how things used to 
      be. Here are some facts about 
      the1500s:

Most people got married 
      in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled 
      pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides 
      carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today 
      of carrying a bouquet when getting 
      married.

Baths consisted of a big 
      tub filled with hot water.The man of the house had the privilege of the 
      nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and 
      finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so 
      dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw 
      the baby out with the Bath 
      water.

Houses had thatched 
      roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only 
      place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals 
      (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and 
      sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying. 
      It's raining cats and 
      dogs.

There was nothing to stop 
      things from falling into the house.This posed a real problem in the 
      bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. 
      Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some 
      protection. That's how canopy beds came into 
      existence.

 The floor was dirt. Only 
      the wealthy had something other than 
      dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt 
      poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter 
      when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their 
      footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you 
      opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was 
      placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh 
      hold.

 (Getting quite an 
      education, aren't 
      you?)

 In 
      those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always 
      hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the 
      pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat 
      the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight 
      and then start over the next day. Sometimes st ew had food in it that had 
      been there for quite a 
      while.Hence the rhyme, Peas 
      porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days 
      old.

 Sometimes they could 
      obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, 
      they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a 
      man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with 
      guests and would all sit around and chew the 
      fat.

Those with money had 
      plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead 
      to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most 
      often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were 
      considered 
      poisonous.

 Bread was divided 
      according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family 
      got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper 
      crust.

Lead cups were used to 
      drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers 
      out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them 
      for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen 
      table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and 
      drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding 
      a 
      wake.

England  is 
      old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury 
      people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a 
      bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 
      coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized 
      they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the 
      wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground 
      and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all 
      night (the graveyard shift..) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could 
      be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead 
      ringer.

Humor; it’s been a tough week after all!

April 24, 2009

Since this week has been so full of depressing things from the administration of the impostor in chiefs administration I decided to post some of the many jokes that I received. Most are from my better halfs father, a few from other friends, and a few from sources that would prefer not to be identified. Enjoy!

USMC F 18

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic 
    Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give 
    the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they 
    will be transiting Iranian airspace. 

This is a common procedure 
    for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder 
    code, type aircraft, and points of origin and 
    destination
    I just flew with a guy who overheard this 
    conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying 
    from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass 
    along:

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify 
    yourself.' 

    Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in 
    Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our 
    airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 
    fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

    Air Defense Radar:         (no response ... 
    Total silence)

 The 
      Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting 
      unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces 
      (USRSF)

These boys will be dropped off in 
      Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about 
      terrorists :

1. The season opened today.
2.. There is no 
      limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, 
      pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for 
      the death of Dale Earnhardt. 

The 
Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.     

>Love him or hate him, 
he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill > Gates recently gave a 
speech at a High School about 11 things they did not > and will not learn in 
school. He talks about how feel-good, politically > correct teachings created 
a generation of kids with no concept of reality > and how this concept set 
them up for failure in the real world. 
> 
> Rule 1: Life 
is not fair - get used to it! 
> 
> Rule 2: The world 
won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect > you to accomplish 
something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. 
> 
> Rule 
3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You > won't be 
a vice-president with a car phone until you earn 
both. 
> 
> Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, 
wait till you get a boss 
> 
> Rule 5: Flipping burgers is 
not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents > had a different word for burger 
flipping: they called it opportunity. 
> 
> Rule 6: If you 
mess up, it's not your parents ' fault, so don't whine > about your mistakes, 
learn from them. 
> 
> Rule 7: Before you were born, your 
parents weren't as boring as they are > now. They got that way from paying 
your bills, cleaning your clothes and > listening to you talk about how cool 
you thought you were. So, before you > save the rain forest from the 
parasites of your parent's generation, try > delousing the closet in your own 
room. 
> 
> Rule 8: Your school may have done away with 
winners and losers, but life > HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished 
failing grades and they'll > give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the 
right answer. This doesn't > bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in 
real life. 
> 
> Rule 9: Life is not divided into 
semesters. You don't get summers off and > very few employers are interested 
in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on > your own 
time. 
> 
> Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real 
life people actually have to > leave the coffee shop and go to 
jobs. 
> 
> Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll 
end up working for one. 
> 
> If you agree, pass it 
on.. 
> If you can read this - Thank a teacher! 
> If 
you're reading this in English- Thank a 
Veteran! 

Can you say oops?

Stimulus package: humor

April 23, 2009

I got this from my better half. She received it from her father, who has an MBA. Enjoy!

Stimulus Payment Information

This year, US taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus
Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and
A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that
the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From
taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only
a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that
you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating
the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut
up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US
economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that
money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on
gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to
India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras,
and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to
Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.
And none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America.
You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales,
going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic
ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the
US.

Ted Nugent and the French…

April 11, 2009

While surfing around WordPress I found this. It is just to good not to pass on to others! Enjoy!

p.s. I think this is humor, and didn’t really happen.

Ya Gotta Love Ted

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being
interviewed by a French journalist, an animal rights activist. The
discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, ‘ What
do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you
shoot him? Is it, ‘ Are you my friend? ‘ or is it ‘ Are you the one
who killed my brother? ‘ Nugent replied, ‘ Deer aren ‘ t capable of
that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat
next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get
away. They are very much like the French. ‘ The interview ended.

SOURCE

On a lighter note

March 7, 2009

My better half received this in an email. Being both a geologist and an engineer she took the brunt of this… With a smile.

I hope you all enjoy some humor.

My former boss, a geologist, must have been bored yesterday because he lobbed out the engineer jokes below the cartoon.  Of course one of the engineers quickly responded in kind with this cartoon.

Engineer Jokes

Q:  When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A:  When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q:  What do engineers use for birth control?
A:  Their personalities.

Q:  How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A:  When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q:  Why did the engineers cross the road?
A:  Because they looked in the file, and that’s what they did last year.

Q:  How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A:  Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

You might be an engineer if:

Choosing between buying flowers for your wife and upgrading your RAM is a problem.

You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.

In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

The salespeople at the local computer store can’t answer any of your questions.

At an air show, you know how fast the skydivers are falling.

For your wife’s birthday you gave her a new CD-ROM drive or a Palm Pilot.

You can’t quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

You can type 70 words per minute but you can’t read your own handwriting.

You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

You sit backwards on Disney rides so you can see how they do the special effects.

You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.

You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

You know what http:// stands for.

You look forward to Christmas so you can put together the kids’ toys.

You see a good design, and have to change it.

You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.

You still own a slide rule and know how to use it.

You think the reason people yawn when you talk is because they are sleep deprived.

You window shop at Radio Shack.

Your laptop computer cost more than your car.

Your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
When you start to tell her, she gets busy doing other things and says, “That’s nice, dear.”

You’ve already calculated how much you make per second.

You’ve tried to repair a $10 radio.

You don’t see anything wrong with wearing socks with your Birkenstocks.

Sears has great deals on slacks.

And finally, two famous words: pocket protectors.

Culling in California

February 25, 2009

Robert addresses the carrying capacity of the environment here. Well done friend!

Local listeners to KFI-am-640 have been treated to the John and Ken show, those guys are loaded for bear over the RINO’s in California. WE have an abundance of RINO’s around here and when the population of ANY species gets too big for the land to handle it must be dealt with. RINO’s are known to trample on common sense, they destroy HONOR, they eat all the available cash crop to grow their own coffers. They are a menace to society and we must hunt them down and remove them from any leadership position. Heads on a stick so to speak, it’s time for us to unite, and recall all those that do not live up to their stated CONSERVATIVE values. IF they classify as RINO’s they need to be REMOVED ASAP!…

This is a public service announcement for Californians.

Arnie Swarzenegger needs to be removed ASAP he has always been a RINO and perhaps the most RINO like EVER!

Recall ABEL MALDONADO

Vote out Anthony Adams and Jeff Miller.

This is a good start but there are also the 3 idiots that voted for the STICK-IT-TO-US in the DC senate.

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addthis_title = ‘RECALL+THE+RINO%26%238217%3Bs%21’;
addthis_pub = ”;
AddThis

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Nebraska Technology

January 28, 2009

Leave it to Mister Christer of Saint Anthony Communications Center to come up with this jewel!


Nebraska Technology
After having dug to a depth of 10 yards
last year, New York scientists found traces
of copper wire dating back 100 years
and came to the conclusion that their New
York ancestors
already had a telephone
network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the
weeks that followed, California scientists dug
to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines
in the LA Times newspaper read:
California archaeologists have found
traces of 200 year old copper wire and have
concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network
a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.’One week later, the Lincoln Journal Star, a local news paper in Lincoln, Nebraska reported the following:’After digging as deep as 30 yards in a corn
field near Milford, NE, Larry the Cable Guy, a self-
taught archaeologist and dyed-in-the-wool Husker
fan, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Larry has therefore concluded that 300 years
ago,  Nebraska had already gone wireless.’