Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

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Keep Texas Green!

June 19, 2008

stolen from Texas Fred!

TexasTree hugger

A woman from Austin, who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased
several acres of Hill Country land, near Lake Travis, Texas.
There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed
the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl. It
attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to
the ground.

The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35
minutes away. She told him she was an environmentalist and
anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters. The
doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her
to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help.

The impatient patient sat, and waited for three hours before the
doctor reappeared.  The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long”

He smiled and said, “Well, I had to get permits from US
Environmental Service, the Texas Parks and Wildlife and Keep
Texas Beautiful before I could remove old-growth timber from a
recreational area.  I’m sorry, but they turned me down.”
!! GOD BLESS TEXAS !!

—
http://TexasFred.net/

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West Virginia Farmer

June 18, 2008

A West Virginia farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.

A young boy about 9 yrs old opened the door.

“Is yer Dad home?” the farmer asked.

“No sir, he ain’t,” the boy replied. “He went into town.”

Well said the farmer, “is yer Mom here?”

“No sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with Dad.”

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

“He went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

“Is there anything I can do fer ya?” the boy asked politely. “I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.”

The boy considered for a moment. “You would have to talk to Pa about that,” he finally conceded.  “If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets fer Howard.”

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Murphy’s Lessor known laws …

June 5, 2008

From Chris Smith, affectionately known as “Mister Christer” this comes along the internet via email. Enjoy! 😀
Murphy’s Lesser Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending
machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who
don’t.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented
fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance
of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability
you’ll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to
end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass
them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the
scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in
a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine
for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself
into the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough
to get out of jury duty.

Think about it, he dispatches Flight for Life from the Saint Anthony Communication center!

Then, and this is no joke people; About twenty years ago while out fly fishing I stopped off at a shop on the way to Leadville. Inside, I found a poster, it was simple in nature, and printed in the 1850’s. So, what would so interest me about a poster that was well over a hundred years old? Well … Read on ! 😀

SPERRYS LAW … The good mister Murphy was a damned optimist!

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SEMPER FI!

June 5, 2008

Proudly stolen from Texas Fred! 😀 Semper Fi brother!

The Navy Invented Sex….

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer the Marine says, ‘Well, we had Iwo Jima.’

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, ‘We had the Battle of Midway.’

‘Not entirely true’, responded the Marine. ‘Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.’

The sailor responds, ‘Point taken.’

The Marine then says, ‘We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!’

The sailor, nodding agreement, says, ‘But we had John Paul Jones.’

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says…… ‘The Navy invented sex!’

The Marine replies, ‘That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.’

—
http://TexasFred.net/

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The Darwin Awards are out!

June 4, 2008

Source: Antique guns newsletter

Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after
squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car
keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who ‘totally zoned when he
ran’, accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from
the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their
hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue
workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced
dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle
shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had
placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as
he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said
he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull
the trigger.

Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a
man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The
shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up! and fired a
few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned
fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was
pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located
47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23
gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one
else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M.
so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what
would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they
knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of
traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along
the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the
bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had
continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman’s
cable lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham’s leg and then tied
the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and
tore his foot off at the ankle.. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy
water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham’s foot was never
located.

AND THE WINNER IS…
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany ) fed his constipated
elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs
and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing
elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant
continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.

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Give peace a chance; Robin Williams

June 4, 2008

Got this from the g/f’s father, enjoy! 😀The Plan! ?

Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says “I love New York ”
in Arabic.

You gotta love Robin Williams……Even if he’s nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfectplan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
Robin Williams’ plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)

“I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here’s one plan.”

1)
“The US will apologize to the world for our “interference” in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those “good ‘ ole’ boys”, we will never “interfere” again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East, and the Philippines They don’t want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave . We’ll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They’re illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don’t like it there, change it yourself and don’t hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don’t need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign “students” over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don’t attend classes, they get a “D” and it’s back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing
nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for awhile
.

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don’t like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not
“interfere.” They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don’t need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and
beauty school. That way, no one can call us “Ugly Americans”
any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH..learn it…or
LEAVE…Now, isn’t that a winner of a plan?

“The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying “Give me your tired, your poor, your
huddled masses.” She’s got a baseball bat and she’s yelling, ‘you want a piece of me?’ ”

.

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Selective Service …

May 19, 2008

I don’t know who got this started, but in the past week I have had it sent to me from 8 different sources, enjoy!

MSN NicknameHellbentChuck  (Original Message) Sent: 5/14/2008 5:36 PM

New Direction for the war on terrorists.

Send Service Vets over 60

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I’m too old to track down terrorists.. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ass hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18 -year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell.. Besides, like I said, I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, how ever. I’ve been in combat and didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. in the New army now, Get down and give me … ER … one.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head!

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed-off old farts with attitude and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol…we will have it secured the first night!

Share this with your senior friends. It’s purposely in big type so they can read it.

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Bill O’Reilly interviewed John McCain

May 15, 2008

Ever so often a contributor to one of the forums that I post at comes up with a real jewel. The following was intended in jest. However, it rings oh so true. Enjoy! 🙂

source: http://amcon.proboards99.com/index.cgi?board=trs&action=display&thread=451

Last week, Bill O’Reilly interviewed John McCain on the O’Reilly Factor. Bill O’Reilly really grilled McCain about his opposition to drilling for oil in the ANWR and McCain got visually upset with the questions. Bill O’Reilly is a professional TV host and interviewer so in order for the common people to understand what John McCain was really saying in his answers, we hired an every day American Citizen (AC) to explain what he really said.

O’REILLY: You voted against ANWR drilling. You voted against ANWR.

MCCAIN: Yes, and I’ll vote against drilling if they want to drill in the Grand Canyon, and I’ll vote against it if they want to drill in the Everglades. And I will try to make it more attractive for Florida and California and other states to have drilling off of their coasts, but I’m not going to force them to because…

(AC) Even though comparing ANWR to the Grand Canyon and the Everglades is lame, I don’t want any drilling in the United States.

O’REILLY: But no one lives in ANWR.

MCCAIN: No, it’s pristine beauty.

(AC) Yes, I know it’s a frozen wasteland but to me it’s pristine frozen wasteland and I want it to stay that way. I think it’s pretty and what I think is all that matters.

O’REILLY: So what? Who sees it?

MCCAIN: Well, all I do is believe that we have to preserve some of the great natural treasures of this earth…

(AC) I don’t care, we’re not going to drill there!

O’REILLY: In the Arctic Circle?

MCCAIN: …no matter where they are, my friend. And I…

(AC) Listen jerk, didn’t you hear what I said? You’re pissing me off now by these questions. I don’t care where ANWR is located, I said no drilling!

O’REILLY: You know, a lot of people aren’t going to like that.

MCCAIN: I know a lot of people don’t like it, but I am also an environmentalist. And so was Teddy Roosevelt, my hero. And I believe that there are just some things that you have to…

(AC) I don’t care what the American people say or want; their not me. I follow the teachings of the Gormonites and its high priest, Al Gore. Teddy Roosevelt loved the outdoors and I love my frozen waste land on top of the world because that’s where I’ll be when I win the White House, on top of the world looking down at you little people.

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Some Red Neck Humor

April 21, 2008

Well .. I belong to several forums. All of them have their zealots, but all of them also have a well defined sense of humor… This is from Hunters Central, at Yahoo forums.

We are one big family, and no, there is no interbreeding in our collective pasts.

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM LIVING IN ARKANSAS
 
 
 
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
 
There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Arkansas .
 
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Arkansas plus a couple no one’s seen before.
 
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
 
Onced and Twiced are words.
 
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
 
People actually grow and eat okra.
 
‘Fixinto’ is one word.
 
There is no such thing as ‘lunch.’ There is only dinner and then there is supper.
 
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
 
Backards and forwards means ‘I know everything about you.’
 
DJeet? is actually a phrase meaning ‘Did you eat?’
 
You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn’t matter what time it is. You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
 
You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH them.
 
You measure distance in minutes.
 
You’ve ever had to switch from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ in the same day.
 
‘Fix’ is a verb. Example: ‘I’m fixing to go to the store.’
 
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
 
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
 
You know what a ‘DAWG’ is.
 
You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.
 
There are only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.
 
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
 
The first day of deer season is a national holiday.
 
100 degrees Fahrenheit ‘a little warm.’ We have four seas ons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
 
Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as ‘goin’ Wal-martin’ or off to ‘Wally World.’
 
A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.
 
A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola or pop . . . it’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: ‘What kinda coke you want?’
 
Fried catfish is the other white meat.
 
We don’t need no stinking driver’s ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
 
If you understand these jokes please forward them to your friends from Arkansas (and those who just wish they were).
 
EVERYONE can’t be a Arkansan; it takes talent. You might say it’s an art form or a gift from God!

 

God Bless Arkansas, and Texas, and… even California. At least that part called camp Pendleton!

AMERICAN BRED, American PRIDE, GOD Bless AMERICA! If God is busy, make sure that a Marine or Ranger is there to take care of GOD’S business.

 

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Technology and Iphones

November 25, 2007

I got this from the one, and only Mister Christer. He got it from a pilot Friend. What a hoot! Enjoy!

I got this from a Friend of mine who is a Helicopter
Pilot for Airlife of Denver, I am not sure where he
got it but it is pretty damn funny.

Subject: I-Phone weatherman

Oh joy! I can’t wait for the next ground delay or long
taxi due to weather somewhere to get a smart ass with
a freakin I-phone shoving it in my face saying “It’s
NOT raining there… SEE !” Too late…already
happened to me. We push back, get advised of a ground
stop in MEM due to storms in the area. Go to the
penalty box and wait. My Captain does the lecture over
the PA… not one minute later, we get dinged from the
F/A “Some guy with an IPhone says the weather is good,
and wants to know what the real reason is for the
delay. Is something wrong with the plane?”

I want to tell this clown what he can do with his
IdiotPhone – but the Captain does it even better. He
gets on the PA and makes the following announcement :

“If the passenger with the IPhone would be kind enough
to use it to check the weather at our alternate,
calculate our fuel burn due to being rerouted around
the storms, call the dispatcher to arrange our
release, and then make a phone call to the nearest Air
Traffic Control center to arrange our timely departure
amongst the other aircraft carrying passengers with
IPhones, then we will be more than happy to depart.
Please ring your call button to advise the Flight
Attendant and your fellow passengers when you deem it
ready and responsible for this multi-million dollar
aircraft and its 84 passengers to safely leave.”

Needless to say, the pax was pretty embarrassed. The
F/A later told us the rest of the plane was outright
laughing at this dude. What a clown

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Posted in Humor, Stupid is as Stupid Does, Uncategorized | 7 Comments »

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