Archive for October 23rd, 2006

There are those that think that I don’t know humor!

October 23, 2006

>         Tips for Handling Telemarketers
>Three Little Words That Work !!
>(1)The three little words are: “Hold On, Please…”
>Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of
>hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more
>time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
>Then when you eventually hear the phone company’s “beep-beep-beep” tone,
>you know it’s time to go back and hang up your handset, which has
>efficiently completed its task.
>These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
>(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other
>This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and
>records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
>This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a “real” sales
>person to call back and get someone at home.
>What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to
>immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as
>quickly as possible This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it
>kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your
>name in their system any longer !!!
>(3) Junk Mail Help:
>When you get “ads” enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these
>”ads” with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk
>mail away.
>When you get those “pre-approved” letters in the mail for everything from
>credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the
>return envelope.
>Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right?  It costs
>them more than the regular 37 cents postage “IF” and when they receive them
>It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50
>cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that
>case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these
>cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.
>Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express.  Send a
>pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn’t get anything else that day, then
>just send them their blank application back!
>If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn’t on anything
>you send them.
>You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them
>guessing! It still costs them 37 cents.
>The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their
>own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let’s let
>them know what it’s like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they’re
>paying for it…Twice!
>Let’s help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail
>is cutting into their business profits, and that’s why they need to
>increase postage costs again. You get the idea !
>If enough people follow these tips, it will work —- I have been doing
>this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.

7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human=
because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it=
was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him “.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they we=
re drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the=
drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “T=
hey will in a minute.”

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five an=
d six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she a=
sked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and=20=
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Th=
ou shall not kill.”

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at t=
he kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of=
white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hair=
s white, Mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make m=
e cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought abou=
t this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma=
‘s hairs are white?”

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persua=
de them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it wil=
l be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she=
‘s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, sh=
e’s dead.”

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to mak=
e the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the bloo=
d, as you know, would run into it,and I would turn red in the face.”
“Yes,” the class said.
“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position th=
e blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school=20=
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made=
a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a lar=
ge pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

It doesn’t matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made=
you laugh, your friends will laugh! too.

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