Oh Lord, it’s hard to be humble … When your ancestors came from the emerald isle. As well as a few other good laughs! Hat tip to
Enjoy…
WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS . .
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
— Winston Churchill
“A modest little person, with much to be modest about”
— Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure.”
— Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary.”
— William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
— Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
— Abraham Lincoln
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” —
Groucho Marx
“I didn’t attend the funeral , but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of
it.”
— Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” —
Oscar Wilde
“I enclose two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend…
if you have one.”
— George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.”
— Winston Churchill, in response.
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
— John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
— Irvin S. Cobb
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
— Billy Wilder
“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”
— Samuel Johnson
“He had delusions of adequacy.”
— Walter Kerr
“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” —
Jack E. Leonard
“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human
knowledge.”
— Thomas Brackett Reed
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
— Charles Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
— Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
— Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
— Mae West
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to
Sean, “You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of
course, me mother and me sister.”
“Well then,” Sean replied, “between you and me we got ’em all.”
>>>>> > >
>>>>——————————————————————–
Pat & Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before
the morning break, Pat yelled “Mick, I’ve lost me finger!”
“Have you now, “said Mick. “And how did you do it?”
Pat replied “I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here
like this … damn! ……There goes another one!”
>>>>> > >
>>>>———————————————————————
Mahoney said to his friend McMaken, “I haven’t been feelin’
me-self lately!”
“Tis a good thing, too — that was a nasty habit you had!”
responded McMaken.
>>>>> > >
>>>>———————————————————————
An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home
from the city one night and, of course, his car is
weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver,
“Where have you been?”
“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to
drink this evening.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his
arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell
out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I
thought I’d gone deaf.”
>>>>> > >
>>>>———————————————————————
Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks.
“I’ve somethin’ that I must be tellin’ ya.”
“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim.
But where’s me darlin’ husband?”
“That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an
accident down at the Guiness brewery…”
“Oh, mercy no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t be tellin’ me…”
“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone.
I’m very sorry for ye loss.”
Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”
“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and
drowned.”
“Oh my poor dear Shamus! But you must tell me true, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?”
…..”Well, no Brenda … no. He did not”
“No?” the wife gulped.
“Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”
>>>>> > > ————————————————–
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed
away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did
he have any last requests?”
She says, “Aye, That he did, Father…
“The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”
She says, “He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down that damn gun…!!!
>A Marriage Made In Heaven
>
>
>On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a
>fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside
>Heaven’s Gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they
>wondered if they could possibly go ahead and get married in Heaven.
>
>St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, “I
>don’t know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find
>out.” …and he left.
>
>The couple sat and waited for an answer…for a couple of months…and
>they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what
>with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work?” they
>wondered, “Are we stuck together forever?”
>
>St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.
>
>”Yes,” he informed the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.”
>
>”Great,” said the couple, “but what if things don’t work out? Could we
>also get a divorce in Heaven?”
>
>St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. “What’s
>wrong?”, asked the frightened couple.
“COME ON!” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months
just to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how
long it will take me to find a LAWYER?”
>This is from a retired judge and a friend of ours on
>the Calif. Surpreme Court.
>
> A defense attorney was cross-examining a police
>officer during a felony trial – it went like this:
>> >
>> > Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the
>scene?
>> > A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person
matching the description of the offender running
several blocks away.
>> >
>> > Q. Officer, who provided this description?
>> > A. The officer who responded to the scene.
>> >
>> > Q. A fellow officer provided the description of
>this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow
>officers?
>> > A. Yes sir, with my life.
>> >
>> > Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then
>officer – do you have a locker room in the police
station – a room where you change your clothes
in preparation for your daily
duties?
>> > A. Yes sir, we do.
>> >
>> > Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
>> > A. Yes sir, I do.
>> >
>> > Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
>> > A. Yes sir.
>> >
>> > Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your
fellow officers with your life, that you find it
necessary to lock your locker in a room
you share with those same officers?
>>>>
>> > A. You see sir, we share the building
with a court complex, and sometimes
lawyers have been known to walk through
that locker room.
>> >
>> With that, the courtroom erupted in
laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated
for this year’s “Best come-back” line and we think
he’ll win. …or should!
Conservative Libertarian Outpost 