Archive for June 17th, 2007

Aren’t Older Women Great

June 17, 2007

After I’d been married 50 years, I took a look at my wife one day
and said

  “Honey, 50 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept
on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to
sleep every night with a hot 22 year old brunette.

  Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I’m sleeping with a 70 year old grandma. It seems to me that you
are not holding up your side of things.”

  My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find
a hot 22 year old brunette, and she would make sure that I would once
again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on
a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

  Aren’t older women great?  They really know how to solve your
mid-life crisis…

Posted in Economics, Humor, Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Subject: Oil Change

June 17, 2007

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday,
drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a
check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping
oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid
environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with
stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles
and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands
and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $20.00
Total
$4,145.00
(But you know the job was done right!) 

Posted in Humor, Stupid is as Stupid Does, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Subject: Oil Change

Mandatory Spay And Neuter Bill Moving Through California Legislature

June 17, 2007

SACRAMENTO, CA—Legislation that would essentially put an end to the breeding of many hunting dogs has passed through the California Assembly, and the U.S. Sportsmen’s Alliance says immediate grassroots action is needed to stop the legislation.Assembly Bill 1634 (AB 1634), which would require dogs more than 4 months of age to be spayed or neutered, has advanced to the California Senate after passing through the state Assembly last week by a vote of 41 to 38. The legislation, sponsored by California Democratic Assemblyman Lloyd Levine, would require dog owners to have their dogs spayed or neutered at their own expense. The bill exempts a handful of purebred animals that meet specific pre-set qualifications, and licensed breeders, but provides no protection for sportsmen who own and hunt with mixed breed dogs or want to breed those dogs.

“It is absurd to think that the government ought have the right to tell Californians whether their hunting dogs qualify to be bred,” said U.S. Sportsmen’s Alliance Senior Vice President Rick Story. “Sportsmen must redouble their efforts and tell their senators that this bill will wipe out the breeding of accomplished sporting dogs that do not meet strict criteria. Further, it will impose significant financial hardships on middle- and low-income sportsmen who will be forced to spay or neuter their animals.”

California sportsmen are being asked to contact their senators and encourage them to oppose AB 1634. To find the name of your senators and for contact information, use the “Legislative Action Center” at www.ussportsmen.org or call (916) 651-4171.

Another example of the reasons that I left California nearly thirty years ago.

Posted in Hunting Fishing and the Great Outdoors, News, Politics, Stupid is as Stupid Does | 1 Comment »

Microsoft Helping Fund Anti-Hunting Movement

June 17, 2007

REDMOND, WA—The U.S. Sportsmen’s Alliance (USSA) announced earlier this month that Microsoft Corp. has rejected a request to abandon its partnership with the nation’s leading anti-hunting organization.The USSA is reporting that software giant Microsoft is working with the Humane Society of the United States (HSUS) on a pilot program called the “i’m Initiative.” Under the new program, whenever a Microsoft Windows Live Messenger user has a conversation using the new program, Microsoft will give a portion of the program’s advertising revenue to one of 10 organizations selected by the user. The HSUS is one of the choices on the list of options, and the USSA says there’s no limit to the amount of money that can be donated.

The USSA says it’s repeatedly asked Microsoft to end its support of the HSUS, but so far the company has refused. According to Microsoft representative Tara Kriese, Microsoft believes the new program is “a great way to enable people to help causes that are important to them.”

“Microsoft is going to pour hundreds of thousands of dollars, probably more, into an organization that recently issued a manifesto that targets hunting for extinction,” said USSA President Bud Pidgeon. “If there was ever a time for sportsmen to take grassroots action, this is it.”

Sportsmen are being asked to contact Microsoft and encourage it to end its financial support of the HSUS. You can contact Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates at: Chairman, Microsoft, 1 Microsoft Way, Redmond, WA 98052; phone: (425) 882-8080, fax: (425) 936-7329.

For more on this story, visit www.ussportsmen.org.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if Microsoft did the same thing for the GOA?

Posted in Gun Control, Hunting Fishing and the Great Outdoors, Local Politics Colorado, News, Politics, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »