Crime in America has clearly become a problem of insurmountable proportion. No, I am not talking about drug gangs, or gun toting thugs hell bent on terminal mischief!
Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
Crime in America!
December 26, 20082008 Liberal Media Awards
December 26, 2008I spent a little more than thirty years living in the Denver area, and one of the things that I most enjoyed while there was listening to the blowtorch of the Rockies, 850 KOA Radio.
The entire line up is great, and they certainly do have the best trafic reports. What follows is commentary, and awards by Mike Rosen. Enjoy!
ROSEN: 2008 liberal media awards
It’s time for the 21st annual Media Research Center’s awards for the most biased, manipulative or downright goofy quotes from liberals in the “mainstream” media. I’m honored to serve, once again, on MRC’s distinguished panel of conservatively-biased judges. Here are some of the lowlights from among the winners and runners- up of Best Notable Quotables of 2008:
* Quote of the Year: Co-anchor Chris Matthews: “I have to tell you, you know, it’s part of reporting this case, this election, the feeling most people get when they hear Barack Obama’s speech. My – I felt this thrill going up my leg. I mean, I don’t have that too often.”
Co-anchor Keith Olbermann: “Steady.”
Matthews: “No, seriously. It’s a dramatic event. He speaks about America in a way that has nothing to do with politics. It has to do with the feeling we have about our country. And that is an objective assessment.” (Exchange during MSNBC’s coverage of the Virginia, Maryland and Washington, D.C., primaries, Feb 12)
* Barbra Streisand Political IQ Award for Celebrity Vapidity: “If you can read, you can walk into a job later on. If you don’t, then you’ve got the Army, Iraq, I don’t know, something like that. It’s not as bright.” (Novelist Stephen King at an April 4 Library of Congress Event for high schoolers, later carried by C-SPAN2)
* The John Murtha Award for Painting America as Racist: “What do you think the bigger obstacle is for you becoming president, the Clinton campaign machine or America’s inherent racism?” (ABC’s Chris Cuomo to Barack Obama in a Dec. 20, 2007, interview on Good Morning America)
* Half-Baked Alaska Award for Pummeling Palin
“You know the one thing that I don’t think anybody’s said yet is that she’s very mean to animals, this woman. Why does she have it in for these poor polar bears and caribou, and she aerial-kills wolves? That’s a very mean thing to do. I think that that’s an important point.” (ABC’s The View co-host Joy Behar on CNN’s Larry King Live, Sept. 9)
* Let Us Fluff Your Pillow Award for Soft & Cuddly Interviews
“What of the attacks has busted through to you? What makes you angriest at John McCain, the Republicans? What’s being said about your husband that you want to shout from the mountaintops isn’t true?” (NBC’s Brian Williams to Michele Obama in a taped interview shown on the Aug. 27 Nightly News)
* The Irrelevant Rev. Wright Award
“He was assassinated by sound bites . . . His whole career was being summed up in sound bites that added up to no more than 20 seconds, endlessly played through the media grinder of our national press. He was angry about that . . . he was like a man who goes out and picks up the morning newspaper and gets hit by a cyclone!” ( PBS’s Bill Moyers talking about the Rev. Jeremiah Wright on Comedy Central’s The Daily Show on May 13.
* The ‘Pay up, You Patriots’ Award
“It’s early April, which means these are the few days of the year when Americans of almost any political stripe unite in a perennial ritual: complaining about taxes. Count me out. I’m happy to pay my fair share to the government. It’s part of my patriotic duty – and it’s a heckuva bargain . . . There seems to be an inconsistency about people who insist on wearing flag pins in their lapels, but who grumble about paying taxes . . . Genuine patriots don’t complain about their patriotic obligations . . . Pay up and be grateful.” ( Former ABC and CNN reporter Walter Rodgers writing in the Christian Science Monitor, April 2)
* Politics of Meaninglessness Award for the Silliest Analysis
“Media bias largely unseen in U.S. presidential race” ( Headline over Nov. 6 Reuters dispatch claiming no liberal tilt in favor of Barack Obama)
If your stomach is strong enough to handle the complete awards list, you can get it online at www.MRC.org.
Mike Rosen’s radio show airs weekdays from 9 a.m. to noon on 850 KOA. He can be reached by e-mail at mikerosen@850koa.com.
Cowboy Logic
December 15, 2008 > COWBOY LOGIC
>
> This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Montana Wool and Sheep
> Grower’s Association by the Sierra Club and the United States Forest
> Service.
>
> Hard to argue with this cowboy logic.
>
> A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the US Forest Service
> were presenting an alternative to Montana ranchers for
> controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the
> ranchers using
> the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator,
> the tree-huggers had a ‘more humane’ solution.
>
> What the Sierra Club proposed was for the animals to be
> captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again, and the population
> would be controlled.
>
> All of the ranchers mulled over this ‘amazing’ idea for a couple of minutes.
>
> Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back, and said,
>
> ‘Son, I don’t think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain’t scewin’
> our sheep — they’re eatin’ ’em!’
|
A 10 year old’s love story
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job.
You’ll need to support Jenny.”
Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.”
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
‘Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
|
At a high School in Montana, a groupof high schoolers played a prank on theschool teachers and staff. They letthree goats loose in the school …butbefore they let them go, they paintednumbers on the sides of the goats: 1,2,4.
…Local school administrators, teachers,and custodians spent most of the daylooking for #3.
source: Antique Guns Auction
Work for Obama!
December 13, 2008
Physicians vs. Gun Owners
December 13, 2008The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)
Now think about this:
Gun Owners
The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188.
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, “Guns don’t kill people, doctors do”
Fact: Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one doctor.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.
Hat Tip to Texas Fred
Liberal Ideology
April 8, 2008
1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.
2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.
4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by documented cyclical changes in the earth’s climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV’s.
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can’t teach fourth graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
9. You have to believe that hunters don’t care about nature, but activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make ‘The Passion of the Christ’ for financial gain only.
12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Edison, and A.G. Bell.
15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.
16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.
17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn’t worked anywhere it’s been tried is because the right people haven’t been in charge.
18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.
19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
20. You have to believe that illegal Democrat Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.
21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.
22. You have to believe that it’s okay to give Federal workers the day off on Christmas Day but it’s not okay to say ‘Merry Christmas.’
Stolen from Gunny Bob at http://www.850koa.com/pages/gunnybob.html
Hillary and Obama were on a boat.
April 3, 2008AMERICA !
An eye opening event! Democrat kittens!
April 3, 2008Okay, I knew you just had to look!
Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign “FREE KITTENS” next to them. Suddenly a long line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. “Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?” he asked.
“Kittens” Little Suzy says. “They’re so small, their eyes are not even open yet.”
“What kind of kittens are they?” he asked. “Democrats” says Little Suzy. The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.
Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl with the kittens.
It w as planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these “democrat” kittens.
The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the “FREE KITTENS” sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.
Everyone had their cameras ready and then Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy. “Now don’t be frightened,” he said, “I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you’re giving away today.”
“Yes sir,” Suzy said, “they are all LIBERTARIAN CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN kittens.”
Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, “But yesterday you told me they were DEMOCRATS.”
Little Suzy says, “Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open.”
proudly stolen from: http://amcon.proboards99.com/index.cgi?board=humor&action=display&thread=402
Dog Logic and other things of note
April 2, 2008Dog Logic
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags
his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous
-Anonymous
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy
licking your face.
-Ben Williams
-Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more
than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings
-Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite
unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and
always have to mix love and hate.
-Anonymous
-Anonymous
Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like
never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones
-Franklin P. Jones
If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise
-Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo
is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein
-Joe Weinstein
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and
dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein
-Robert A. Heinlein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous,
he will not bite you; that is the principal difference
between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain
-Mark Twain
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras
If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits
in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret
-Phil Pastoret
KILROY WAS HERE! ( a 60-year old phenomenon)
In 1946 the American Transit Association, through its radio program,
“Speak to America”, sponsored a nationwide contest to find the REAL Kilroy,
offering a prize of a real trolley car to the person who could prove himself to be
“Speak to America”, sponsored a nationwide contest to find the REAL Kilroy,
offering a prize of a real trolley car to the person who could prove himself to be
the genuine article. Almost 40 men stepped forward to make that claim, but only
James Kilroy from Halifax , Massachusetts had evidence of his identity.
Kilroy was a 46-year old shipyard worker during the war. He worked as a
checker at the Fore River Shipyard in Quincy. His job was to go around and
check on the number of rivets completed. Riveters were on piecework and got
paid by the rivet.
Kilroy would count a block of rivets and put a check mark in semi-waxed
lumber chalk, so the rivets wouldn’t be counted twice. When Kilroy went off
duty, the riveters would erase the mark.
Later on, an off-shift inspector would come through and count the rivets a
second time, resulting in double pay for the riveters.
One day Kilroy’s boss called him into his office. The foreman was upset
about all the wages being paid to riveters, and asked him to investigate. It
was then that he realized what had been going on.
The tight spaces he had to crawl in to check the rivets didn’t lend
themselves to lugging around a paint can and brush, so Kilroy decided to
stick with the waxy chalk. He continued to put his checkmark on each job he
inspected, but added KILROY WAS HERE in king-sized letters next to the
check, and eventually added the sketch of the chap with the long nose
peering over the fence and that became part of the Kilroy message. Once he
did that, the riveters stopped trying to wipe away his marks.
Ordinarily the rivets and chalk marks would have been covered up with
paint. With war on, however, ships were leaving the Quincy Yard so fast that
there wasn’t time to paint them.
As a result, Kilroy’s inspection “trademark” was seen by thousands of
servicemen who boarded the troopships the yard produced. His message
apparently rang a bell with the servicemen, because they picked it up and
spread it all over Europe and the South Pacific. Before the war’s end,
“Kilroy” had been here, there, and everywhere on the long haul to Berlin and
Tokyo ..
To the unfortunate troops outbound in those ships, however, he was a
complete mystery; all they knew for sure was that some jerk named Kilroy
Kilroy was a 46-year old shipyard worker during the war. He worked as a
checker at the Fore River Shipyard in Quincy. His job was to go around and
check on the number of rivets completed. Riveters were on piecework and got
paid by the rivet.
Kilroy would count a block of rivets and put a check mark in semi-waxed
lumber chalk, so the rivets wouldn’t be counted twice. When Kilroy went off
duty, the riveters would erase the mark.
Later on, an off-shift inspector would come through and count the rivets a
second time, resulting in double pay for the riveters.
One day Kilroy’s boss called him into his office. The foreman was upset
about all the wages being paid to riveters, and asked him to investigate. It
was then that he realized what had been going on.
The tight spaces he had to crawl in to check the rivets didn’t lend
themselves to lugging around a paint can and brush, so Kilroy decided to
stick with the waxy chalk. He continued to put his checkmark on each job he
inspected, but added KILROY WAS HERE in king-sized letters next to the
check, and eventually added the sketch of the chap with the long nose
peering over the fence and that became part of the Kilroy message. Once he
did that, the riveters stopped trying to wipe away his marks.
Ordinarily the rivets and chalk marks would have been covered up with
paint. With war on, however, ships were leaving the Quincy Yard so fast that
there wasn’t time to paint them.
As a result, Kilroy’s inspection “trademark” was seen by thousands of
servicemen who boarded the troopships the yard produced. His message
apparently rang a bell with the servicemen, because they picked it up and
spread it all over Europe and the South Pacific. Before the war’s end,
“Kilroy” had been here, there, and everywhere on the long haul to Berlin and
Tokyo ..
To the unfortunate troops outbound in those ships, however, he was a
complete mystery; all they knew for sure was that some jerk named Kilroy
had “been there first.” As a joke, U.S. servicemen began placing the graffiti
wherever they landed, claiming it was already there when they arrived.
Kilroy became the U.S. super-GI who had always “already been”
wherever they landed, claiming it was already there when they arrived.
Kilroy became the U.S. super-GI who had always “already been”
wherever GIs went. It became a challenge to place the now familiar logo in
the most unlikely places imaginable (it is said to be atop Mt. Everest , the
Statue of Liberty , the underside of the Arch De Triumphe, and even
scrawled in the dust on the surface of the moon!!)
And as the war went on, the legend grew. Underwater demolition teams
routinely sneaked ashore on Japanese-held islands in the Pacific to map the
terrain for the coming invasions by U.S. troops (and thus, presumably, were
the first GIs there). On one occasion, however, they reported seeing enemy
troops painting over the Kilroy logo!
And as the war went on, the legend grew. Underwater demolition teams
routinely sneaked ashore on Japanese-held islands in the Pacific to map the
terrain for the coming invasions by U.S. troops (and thus, presumably, were
the first GIs there). On one occasion, however, they reported seeing enemy
troops painting over the Kilroy logo!
In 1945, an outhouse was built for the exclusive use of Roosvelt, Stalin,
and Churchill at the Potsdam conference. The first person inside was Stalin,
who emerged and asked his aide (in Russian), “Who is Kilroy?” …
To help prove his authenticity in 1946, James Kilroy brought along
officials from the shipyard and some of the riveters. He won the trolley
car, which he gave to his nine children as a Christmas gift and set it up
as a playhouse in the Kilroy front yard in Halifax , Massachusetts.
So now you know “the rest of the story”!
To help prove his authenticity in 1946, James Kilroy brought along
officials from the shipyard and some of the riveters. He won the trolley
car, which he gave to his nine children as a Christmas gift and set it up
as a playhouse in the Kilroy front yard in Halifax , Massachusetts.
So now you know “the rest of the story”!
The Old Golfers (too true …too true!)
>
> Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement
> 25 years ago.
>
> One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it”, he tells his
> wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that after I’ve
> hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”
>
> His wife sympathizes, and makes him a cup of coffee. As they sit down
> she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you, and give it one more
> try?”
>
> “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “John’s a hundred and three. He
> can’t help.”
>
> “John may be a hundred and three,” says his wife, “but his eyesight is
> perfect.”
>
> So, the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
> brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the
> fairway.
>
> He turns and asks, “Did you see the ball?”
>
> “Of course I did,” John replies.
>
> “Where did it go?”, asks Arthur.
>
> “Gee …..I can’t remember!!”
Old Folk Facts
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker
came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
‘How old was your husband?’
‘He was 98,’ she replied. ‘Two years older than me’
‘….So you’re 96?’ the undertaker commented.
She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, isn’t it?’
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
‘….And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?’ the reporter asked.
She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’
The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I’ve sure gotten old!
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded,
and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia, have
poor circulation; can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God……
…..I still have my driver’s license!!
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got
my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start
exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired
for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on….
the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her
preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to
be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered
all over Walmart.
‘Walmart?’ the preacher exclaimed. ‘Why Walmart?’
‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week’
My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It’s scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
‘For fast relief.’
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never really liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you’re supposed to share this with 5 or
6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of
your friends …..if you can remember who they are!
And always remember this:
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.
Official Pronouncement
March 28, 2008The goverment today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a condom,because it more accurately reflects the goverments political stance.A condom allows for inflation,halts production,destroys the next generation,protects a bunch of pricks,and gives you a sense of security while your actually being screwed.Damn, it just doesnt get more accurate than that.
Got this from Texas Freds… LMAO!
Conservative Libertarian Outpost 