Conservative Libertarian Outpost

The things that you get from an Engineer!
AS YOU READ THROUGH THIS VERSION OF THE FAMOUS CHRISTMAS TALE, I THINK 
YOU'LL
COME TO THE SAME CONCLUSION I HAVE. IT MUST HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BY THE 
CONGRESSMEN
WHO WROTE THAT 2000 PAGE HEALTH CARE BILL. ROA
 
> Technical Night 
Before Christmas
>
> 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' as written by 
a technical
> writer for a firm that does Gov't 
contracting...
>
> 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period 
preceding
> the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place 
of
> residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
> 
possessors of this potential, including that species of
> domestic rodent 
known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was
> meticulously suspended from the 
forward edge of the wood
> burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our 
anticipatory
> pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an 
eccentric
> philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is 
the
> honorific title of St. Nicholas.
>
> The prepubescent 
siblings, comfortably ensconced in their
> respective accommodations of 
repose, were experiencing
> subconscious visual hallucinations of 
variegated fruit
> confections moving rhythmically through their 
cerebrums. My
> conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal 
head
> coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the
> 
hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion
> of the 
grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance
> that I felt 
compelled to arise with alacrity from my place
> of repose for the purpose 
of ascertaining the precise source
> thereof.
>
> Hastening to 
the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers
> sealing this fenestration, 
noting thereupon that the lunar
> brilliance without, reflected as it was 
on the surface of a
> recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to 
rival
> that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my
> 
incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature
> airborne 
runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive
> specimens of the genus 
Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule,
> aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble 
that it became
> instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our 
anticipated
> caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at 
what
> may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than
> 
patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled
> breath 
musically through contracted labia, and addressed
> each of the octet by 
his or her respective cognomen - "Now
> Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - 
guiding them to the
> uppermost exterior level of our abode, through 
which
> structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations 
of
> each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
>
> As I 
retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and
> was performing a 
180-degree pivot, our distinguished
> visitant achieved - with utmost 
celerity and via a downward
> leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He 
was clad
> entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue 
from
> oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on
> 
the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I
> attributed 
largely to the plethora of assorted playthings
> which he bore dorsally in 
a commodious cloth receptacle.
>
> His orbs were scintillant with 
reflected luminosity, while
> his submaxillary dermal indentations gave 
every evidence of
> engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar 
regions
> and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which
> 
suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating
> the 
coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of
> the Prunus 
avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and
> supralabials resembled 
nothing so much as a common loop
> knot, and their ambient hirsute facial 
adornment appeared
> like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen 
water.
>
> Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking 
piece
> whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his
> 
occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of
> holly. His 
visage was wider than it was high, and when he
> waxed audibly mirthful, 
his corpulent abdominal region
> undulated in the manner of impectinated 
fruit syrup in a
> hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more 
nor
> less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical
> 
perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite
> every effort 
to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering
> and then elevating one 
eyelid and rotating his head slightly
> to one side, he indicated that 
trepidation on my part was
> groundless.
>
> Without utterance 
and with dispatch, he commenced filling
> the aforementioned appended 
hosiery with various of the
> aforementioned articles of merchandise 
extracted from his
> aforementioned previously dorsally transported 
cloth
> receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an
> 
abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral
> 
juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium
> forward in a 
gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected
> his egress by 
renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage.
> He then propelled himself 
in a short vector onto his
> conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of 
air through his
> contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds 
of
> burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto
> 
observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a
> common weed. But 
I overheard his parting exclamation,
> audible immediately prior to his 
vehiculation beyond the
> limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the 
planetary
> constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my 
sincerest
> wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly
> 
pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."