Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Stimulus package: humor

April 23, 2009

I got this from my better half. She received it from her father, who has an MBA. Enjoy!

Stimulus Payment Information

This year, US taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus
Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and
A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that
the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From
taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only
a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that
you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating
the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut
up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US
economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that
money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on
gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to
India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras,
and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to
Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.
And none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America.
You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales,
going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic
ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the
US.

Global Warming, and other acts of idiocy…

April 16, 2009

Fresh from the golden dome on Colfax Avenue Greg Brophy keeps us up to date on the shenanigans of the saviors on the left that will “save” Colorado from itself…

Global Warming

A couple weeks ago the Colorado Senate passed a global warming joint resolution. It’s titled “Concerning Recognition of Colorado’s Cool Cities”, but it was really an Al Gore would be proud sop to carbon dioxide caused global warming.

As a side bar, I think Wray, Colorado (my home town) is the “coolest city” in the state. We have our own little stream running through town, nice hills and bluffs surrounding town, a couple of good places to eat, a nice swimming pool and the best coffee shop on the planet.

Back to the farce: Senator Rollie Heath from, you guessed it, Boulder, introduced the resolution.

Apparently he missed the memo from the eco-commies who changed the term “global warming” to “climate change” when it became apparent that while CO2 emissions continue to rise, global temperatures are going down. They have been for ten years.

Senators Renfroe and Lundberg had fun pointing out the facts about global warming. Senator Heath said, “I don’t want to get into an argument about global warming”.

At that point I went up and pointed out that he should at least make the case for his resolution, but I’d be voting against it because “anthropogenic global warming is a farce”.

End of debate: the resolution passed on a straight party line vote.

Blatant Disregard

We see another attempt by the Democrats to exert their will over the will of the people in HB09-1299.

It’s a bill that would lead to tossing out the electoral vote for President in return for a national popular vote.

It’s not that it would happen overnight. First more states would have to pass a similar bill; enough states to reach the magic number of 270 electoral votes have to pass bills to join the movement for it to go into effect.

So far four states have passed bills enacting this agreement into law. Colorado is poised to become a fifth.

I’m not sure if the Democrats are still sore about the 2000 election or what.

For the life of me, I can’t figure out why anyone in Colorado would throw away our swing-state status in favor of a national popular vote. Right now, Presidential candidates come to Colorado because there is some question where our nine electoral votes will go and through most of the election cycle, you can draw a scenario where our nine will make the difference in determining who will win.

Take away our nine and no one will care about our votes; no one will come here to campaign. The candidates will stick to the major population centers on the coasts and ignore “fly-over country”.

It’s really a horrible idea that has so many unintended consequences that everyone on the left seems to ignore.

Just like they ignore the will of the voters. In 2004 Coloradoans roundly rejected a change to our electoral college system 66-34.

That’s the blatant disregard.

Pinnacol Raid

Here’s the problem: state revenues are down, expectations for state spending are up (sounds like my family budget situation too).

So what are we going to do? Rob a bank? No, lets seize the money in an insurance company’s accounts, after all it looks like the insurance company, Pinnacol Assurance has more assets than liabilities.

Pinnacol is a workers compensation insurance company that was originally created by the state and then finally turned loose in 2002. At the time, their liabilities exceeded their assets by about $200 million. Now, their assets exceed their liabilities by about $600 million.

They are paying big dividends and have cut premiums by 42% over the past four years.

So the Democrats in Colorado (and two Republicans) have decided to take their “extra” money. That’ll teach them for being successful.

Two other states have tried the same thing in very similar situations and the courts in those states have sided with the insurance company. No telling what our activist Supreme Court will do, but I am positive the insurance company won’t just write the check because the Governor signs the bill that steals their money.

Expect a long protracted battle so ensue. The majority party has no plan for dealing with the defeat, except to close have of the colleges in the state.

I expected more from them.

The Budget

The Colorado Senate will pass a budget on Monday.

For the first time in my memory, it will be a pure work of fiction.

Colorado’s Constitution requires a balanced budget for each year. This one will be balanced by taking money $500 million from an insurance company. Money that will never show up because the insurance company won’t just hand the loot over.

I won’t bug you with all the details of the budget. It’s really a mess with Constitutionally mandated spending increase requirements in some areas, Constitutionally protected revenues in other areas and everyone wanting more.

The key take away is this: the money from the insurance company (Pinnacol Assurance) is never going to materialize. They aren’t just going to hand it over and I don’t think the court will let the state take it. Ultimately, we’ll have to come back and balance the budget again and this time truly hard choices will have to be made.

The immediate fall back provision is to cut colleges by another $300 million. That’s on top of the $100 million reduction in the rate of growth that they’ve already taken. A $300 million dollar cut would be a real cut and would probably lead to the closure of several schools. That’s completely unacceptable; we offered rational alternatives, but the other side turned them down.

This won’t be over for a while.

I have decided to join the world of FaceBook. I am not the most professional politician in the world, so I am actually using mine as it was intended – almost strictly for social purposes. If you want to “friend” me, search FB for Greg Brophy. I think this link will work: http://www.new.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/profile.php?id=1192617444&ref=profile

Ted Nugent and the French…

April 11, 2009

While surfing around WordPress I found this. It is just to good not to pass on to others! Enjoy!

p.s. I think this is humor, and didn’t really happen.

Ya Gotta Love Ted

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being
interviewed by a French journalist, an animal rights activist. The
discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, ‘ What
do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you
shoot him? Is it, ‘ Are you my friend? ‘ or is it ‘ Are you the one
who killed my brother? ‘ Nugent replied, ‘ Deer aren ‘ t capable of
that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat
next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get
away. They are very much like the French. ‘ The interview ended.

SOURCE

Getting attention

March 30, 2009

There are those that get a “tingle” up their leg from just watching the obama. Then there are other PEOPLE that seem to get the attention of obama that they may just fail to enjoy.

H/T to Pamela

HSUS Tries To Slip One Past Country Fans

March 22, 2009

This is great! It has been really way too long since I have been able to tag something as stupid is as stupid does! 😀

The Humane Society of the United States (HSUS), the most radical animal “rights” and anti-hunting organization in the country, has been quietly trying to get Carrie Underwood voted Entertainer of the Year via the Academy of Country Music. The problem is, a large percentage of country music fans are also gun owners and hunters who do not like Carrie Underwood’s active support for HSUS. And HSUS knows it.

Underwood and American Idol have already listed HSUS as a beneficiary of the proceeds of one of her songs and now HSUS is enlisting their radical animal rights supporters to vote for her in the Entertainer of the Year contest. But they are trying to keep it quiet. In an e-mail sent out to supporters by Kathy Bauch, the HSUS Senior Director for Corporate Relations & Promotions, she asked people to vote for Underwood, but added, “Feel free to distribute this to friends and family, but please don’t post to lists, twitter, etc.–anything that would identify that HSUS is urging people to vote for her, or it could just breathe life into the opposition.”

Oops, too late!

Perhaps someone should tell the folks at HSUS that e-mails are not exactly the most secure way of communicating their “secret” agendas.

Country music fans who do not appreciate Underwood’s support for HSUS should go to http://www.cbs.com/specials/acma/vote/ and vote for an entertainer who shares their values and supports America’s hunting heritage

SOURCE

On a lighter note

March 7, 2009

My better half received this in an email. Being both a geologist and an engineer she took the brunt of this… With a smile.

I hope you all enjoy some humor.

My former boss, a geologist, must have been bored yesterday because he lobbed out the engineer jokes below the cartoon.  Of course one of the engineers quickly responded in kind with this cartoon.

Engineer Jokes

Q:  When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A:  When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q:  What do engineers use for birth control?
A:  Their personalities.

Q:  How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A:  When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q:  Why did the engineers cross the road?
A:  Because they looked in the file, and that’s what they did last year.

Q:  How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A:  Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

You might be an engineer if:

Choosing between buying flowers for your wife and upgrading your RAM is a problem.

You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.

In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

The salespeople at the local computer store can’t answer any of your questions.

At an air show, you know how fast the skydivers are falling.

For your wife’s birthday you gave her a new CD-ROM drive or a Palm Pilot.

You can’t quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

You can type 70 words per minute but you can’t read your own handwriting.

You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

You sit backwards on Disney rides so you can see how they do the special effects.

You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.

You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

You know what http:// stands for.

You look forward to Christmas so you can put together the kids’ toys.

You see a good design, and have to change it.

You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.

You still own a slide rule and know how to use it.

You think the reason people yawn when you talk is because they are sleep deprived.

You window shop at Radio Shack.

Your laptop computer cost more than your car.

Your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
When you start to tell her, she gets busy doing other things and says, “That’s nice, dear.”

You’ve already calculated how much you make per second.

You’ve tried to repair a $10 radio.

You don’t see anything wrong with wearing socks with your Birkenstocks.

Sears has great deals on slacks.

And finally, two famous words: pocket protectors.

Some points to ponder…

February 25, 2009

Leave it to Fred to lighten our day… I started laughing so hard I couldn’t even post!

Some points to ponder from TexasFred Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, almost 62 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside of Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the  US Air Force and other Federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr. Hillary Rodham

John F. Kerry

William J. Clinton

Howard Dean

Nancy Pelosi

Dianne Feinstein

Charles E. Schumer

Barbara Boxer


See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?
I certainly hope this piece of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.


http://USGOA.proboards.com/

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addthis_title = ‘Some+points+to+ponder+from+TexasFred’;
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The perils of eating

January 28, 2009

American connoisseurs are being poisoned at every opportunity. I mean, our peanut butter crackers!

Be glad that you are not in Japan though! Your Chef might feed you poison testicles… What next? Will Rocky Mountain Oysters slide into the food hall of infamy?

Nebraska Technology

January 28, 2009

Leave it to Mister Christer of Saint Anthony Communications Center to come up with this jewel!


Nebraska Technology
After having dug to a depth of 10 yards
last year, New York scientists found traces
of copper wire dating back 100 years
and came to the conclusion that their New
York ancestors
already had a telephone
network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the
weeks that followed, California scientists dug
to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines
in the LA Times newspaper read:
California archaeologists have found
traces of 200 year old copper wire and have
concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network
a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.’One week later, the Lincoln Journal Star, a local news paper in Lincoln, Nebraska reported the following:’After digging as deep as 30 yards in a corn
field near Milford, NE, Larry the Cable Guy, a self-
taught archaeologist and dyed-in-the-wool Husker
fan, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Larry has therefore concluded that 300 years
ago,  Nebraska had already gone wireless.’

Ice Fishing

January 20, 2009
A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a 
          winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she 
          could find on ice fishing.
          For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to become an 
          expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she 
          went for her first ice fishing trip.
          She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment 
          needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special 
          place in her kit.
          When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her 
          padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools.
          Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming 
          voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"
          Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further 
          along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started 
          to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no 
          fish under the ice!" Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, 
          as this certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up 
          her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped 
          for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful 
          to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the right place, chair 
          positioned just so, everything.
          Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, 
          "There are no fish under the ice!"
          Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that you, 
          Lord?"
          The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating 
          rink!"