A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a
winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she
could find on ice fishing.
For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to become an
expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she
went for her first ice fishing trip.
She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment
needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special
place in her kit.
When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her
padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools.
Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming
voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further
along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started
to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no
fish under the ice!" Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do,
as this certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up
her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped
for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful
to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the right place, chair
positioned just so, everything.
Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again,
"There are no fish under the ice!"
Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that you,
Lord?"
The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating
rink!"
Posts Tagged ‘Humor’
Ice Fishing
January 20, 2009Crime in America!
December 26, 2008
Crime in America has clearly become a problem of insurmountable proportion. No, I am not talking about drug gangs, or gun toting thugs hell bent on terminal mischief!
Cowboy Logic
December 15, 2008 > COWBOY LOGIC
>
> This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Montana Wool and Sheep
> Grower’s Association by the Sierra Club and the United States Forest
> Service.
>
> Hard to argue with this cowboy logic.
>
> A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the US Forest Service
> were presenting an alternative to Montana ranchers for
> controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the
> ranchers using
> the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator,
> the tree-huggers had a ‘more humane’ solution.
>
> What the Sierra Club proposed was for the animals to be
> captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again, and the population
> would be controlled.
>
> All of the ranchers mulled over this ‘amazing’ idea for a couple of minutes.
>
> Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back, and said,
>
> ‘Son, I don’t think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain’t scewin’
> our sheep — they’re eatin’ ’em!’
|
A 10 year old’s love story
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job.
You’ll need to support Jenny.”
Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.”
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
‘Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
|
At a high School in Montana, a groupof high schoolers played a prank on theschool teachers and staff. They letthree goats loose in the school …butbefore they let them go, they paintednumbers on the sides of the goats: 1,2,4.
…Local school administrators, teachers,and custodians spent most of the daylooking for #3.
source: Antique Guns Auction
Physicians vs. Gun Owners
December 13, 2008The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)
Now think about this:
Gun Owners
The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188.
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, “Guns don’t kill people, doctors do”
Fact: Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one doctor.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.
Hat Tip to Texas Fred
Too funny not to re-post
October 22, 2008“Washington, DC, was named in a health survey as having the highest rate of sexually transmitted diseases of any city in the United States. Blame it on the Wall Street bailout plan. You can’t screw that many taxpayers and not catch something.” —Argus Hamilton
These two agree? Tell me it isn’t so!
October 20, 2008I opened up my hotmail account today, and sure enough the NRA newsletter was there as I expected it to be. Can you imagine the shock that sent shivers through my entire body though when I learned that two daimetricly, well almost, (the NRA isn’t Gun Owners of America after all) groups actually agreed on one thing..?
In a rare occurrence, NRA and the Brady Campaign (formerly Handgun Control, Incorporated) agree on something.
Four years ago, the Brady Campaign endorsed an anti-gun senator by the name of John Kerry for President, and NRA thought that decision made sense—for an anti-gun group.
This week, in a testament to his anti-gun record, Barack Obama also received a presidential endorsement from the Brady Campaign.
So, once again, the Brady Campaign and NRA are in total agreement—Barack Obama is, by far, the most anti-gun presidential nominee in history and he certainly deserves the endorsement of one of the most outspoken anti-gun organizations in the country.
The above schizophrenia did not last long though, thank God. What followed is more alligned to the form that I am used too! Same source as above…
Refused to sign the brief supporting an individual Second Amendment right in the Heller case.
Against Right-to-Carry. (Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, 4/2/08; Chicago Tribune, 9/15/04)
Director, Joyce Foundation—one of the most anti-gun foundations in America. (Politico)
“I think it’s a scandal that this president [Bush] did not authorize a renewal of the assault weapons ban.” (Illinois Senate Debate #3: Barack Obama vs. Alan Keyes, 10/21/04)
“Clinging” to guns—how Obama described “bitter” gun owners at a San Francisco fundraiser.
Ammunition ban supporter. Obama voted to ban almost all rifle ammunition commonly used for hunting and sport shooting. (United States Senate, S. 397, vote 217, 7/29/05)
Limiting self-defense. Obama voted to allow the prosecution of people who us a firearm for self-defense in their homes. (Illinois Senate, S.B. 2165, vote 20, 3/25/04)
An Unknown running for President!
August 28, 2008Friends, Coloradans, Countrymen! Lend me your ears, for an (almost) unknown (outside EMS circles) man among men is running for President of these United States of America!
A man of immense integrity and strength, he tells Flight Nurses where to go! As well as the occasional Paramedic, Police Officer, Sheriff, and Fire Chiefs! Most often because they are lost, but that is a subject for another day! 🙂
My friends, this is the man that you want when things get tough! Such as when he was doing a ride along with me, and a rather large drunk at the old Jeffco Detox decided that I would look much better if my nose was sticking out of the back of my head. I simply looked at Chris, and said “Sick’Em!.” A single glance at Chris, and things with the drunk suddenly became easier.
I also know the mans family, and his Father ( May he rest in peace for all eternity, and Mother have always been proud of this country’s heritage. Heck! I mean, his Father used Browning shotguns to hunt with!
Yes, this is posted in jest. But in all seriousness folks? I can think of a lot worse people being President of these not so United States of America. I could start with Barak Obama, and John McCain.
My name is Patrick Sperry
Once upon a time I was a passing fair Paramedic from Saint Anthony’s Paramedic Program, Cycle 32… God bless you Gerry, where ever you are!
For some reason, I can’t find a link about the Father of Pre-Hospital Emergency Medicine right now. I suppose that it is the tears in my eyes. In any case? Vote for Chris Smith for President of the United States of America! Hell, Tom Tancredo doesn’t even answer emails any more…
Southern Sass running for office!
July 25, 2008re-stolen from Texas Fred
I’ve Decided To Go Into Politics
After a careful review of the options for the up-coming election:
(a) A man who can’t account for his money and wants ‘change you can believe in’ (but never says what the change is).
(b) A Republican that doesn’t seem to have Republican values.I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE.
HERE IS MY PLATFORM:
(1) Press 1 for English is immediately banned. English is the official language. Speak it or wait at the border until you can.
(2) We will immediately go into a two-year isolationist posture to straighten out the country’s attitude. NO imports, no exports. We will use the ‘Wal-Mart’ policy: ‘If we ain’t got it, you don’t need it.’
(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.
(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (Six month tour) They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.
(5) Social Security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn’t put nuttin’ in, you ain’t getting’ nuttin’ out. Neither the president nor any other politician will be able to touch it.
(6) Welfare – Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week, and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.
(7) Professional Athletes –Steroids – The FIRST time you check positive you will be banned for life.
(8) Crime – We will adopt the Turkish method: The first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There will be no more life sentences — if you are convicted of a Capitol Offense, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim, gun, knife, strangulation, etc.
(9) One export will be allowed – Wheat — The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.
(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we’ll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it’s a worthy cause.
(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress — right after a prayer to God.
(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.
Sorry if I stepped on anyone’s toes, (whoever wrote this may be sorry, I’m not) but a vote for me will get you better than what you have and better than what you’re gonna get.
Thanks for listening, and remember to write in my name on the ballot in November!
Proudly Stolen From:
Southern Sass on Crime » Going into politics
Obama the Post Turtle
July 7, 2008While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.
The old rancher said, ‘Well, ya know, Obama is a ‘post turtle’.’
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post
turtle’ was.
The old rancher said, ‘When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle’.’
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain. ‘You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there.’
Oldies but goodies
June 30, 2008Here are some old jokes, but too good too forget about:
Girls Bathroom
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That
was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips
to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the
maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put
them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done! She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how
difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man
to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the
mirror.
There are teachers, and then, there are educators
Advanced in age, old Charlie’s hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers,
but it doesn’t look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for
something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper,
and Charlie, struggling to write, uses his last bit of energy to scribble a hasty note,
then flops back in bed and dies.
The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away being as everyone
The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away being as everyone
is in mourning,, so he places it in his jacket pocket..
At Charlie’s funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he’s wearing
At Charlie’s funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he’s wearing
the same jacket he was wearing when Charlie died at the hospital.
Thinking that this would be the perfect time to share Charlies last words of love
Thinking that this would be the perfect time to share Charlies last words of love
for his family and church, he announces…..
“Our dear brother, Charlie, handed me a note just before he died,” he says. “I
haven’t looked at it, but knowing Charlie, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration in it
for us all.” ….and opening the note, he reads aloud,
“Move your foot, you idiot! You’re standing on my oxygen hose!”
Cowboy Boots
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was
helping one of her kindergarten students put
on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little
boots still didn’t want to go on. By the time they
got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said,
“Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than
it was putting them on. She managed to keep
her cool as together they worked to get the
boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, “….These aren’t my boots.”
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face
and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?”, like she
wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him
pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner
had they gotten the boots off when he said,
“They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear ’em.”
Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.
But, she mustered up what grace and courage
she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked,
“….Now, where are your mittens?”
He said, “I stuffed ’em in the toes of my boots.”
She will be eligible for parole in three years.
Click this link, then click on play arrow, this is hilarious:
Conservative Libertarian Outpost 